New Beginnings
by bouquineuse
Summary: Rachel's time at NYADA nears its end, and an opportunity of a lifetime knocks. Will she let Finn influence her decisions or is she truly ready for a new beginning? St. Berry, Hummelberry story.
1. Chapter 1

I seriously don't have time to write these days, but when a plot bunny demands attention, there's no denying it.

Chapter 1 is quite short but it is more of an introduction than a real chapter. Hope you like, and as always reviews and constructive criticism is welcomed.

Disclaimer: Sadly, not my characters, not my show.

**New Beginnings** Chapter 1

"I wish you hadn't taken the role, Rachel. I don't like it. Can't you tell them you've changed your mind?" Finn griped.

Complete shock and confusion clouded Rachel's face as she stared up at Finn. "But Finn, when I told you about the audition you said how great it was that I had got a callback. We celebrated with champagne when I landed the role, and now, a week into rehearsal, you're telling me I should give it up? What's changed in the past week? Why are you being so ridiculous?"

"Kurt took me to see the matinee performance today. The part you're going to play…. she… she shows her breasts on stage! And that scene with Milker or whatever his name is, you never told me about that either!"

"Yes, I did! I told you all about the part." Rachel's voice was now fraught with frustration, an all too common happening these days whenever she and Finn talked about anything.

Before Rachel could launch into a detailed "I said, you said" recreation of the conversation she was referring to, Kurt chimed in, "She did you know, I was there when she told you all about the part, in fact she described the entire plot in great detail."

Finn rubbed the back of his neck like he always did when cornered or embarrassed. "Well, maybe…maybe you did. But you know how you go on and on about that theatre stuff, and sometimes I just tune out."

"More like all the time you tune out" Kurt whispered under his breath. It was Rachel's final year at NYADA, she had just landed a leading role on Broadway as a replacement for the actress who was leaving in a matter of weeks, and Finn was raining on her parade as usual. It was making Kurt feel positively stabby.

"That's the problem; you never really listen to me or understand me. All you care about is your own career and your stupid video games and... and sports!"

"Ah, Rach, don't be like" but it was too late. Rachel had grabbed her jacket and stormed out in grand diva fashion, slamming the apartment door behind her.

Finn sank down in his favorite chair and gazed up at Kurt like a hurt puppy. "Is it wrong that I don't want to have my future wife in that role? Guys will be ogling her boobs, and besides, how do I know the guy she has to play that scene with won't hit on her."

Kurt looked at his step-brother in disbelief. "Finn, a couple of days ago you met Tyson, the actor who plays Melchoir and you already know Jeffrey his understudy, you can't seriously tell me you believe they are straight and even remotely interested in Rachel romantically."

"Are you sure?" Finn shot a dubious look in Kurt's direction.

"Considering they both propositioned me within the first half hour after I'd first met them, yeah, I'm sure!" Sometimes Kurt wondered how Finn made it through a day, he could be so obtuse. The city moved too fast for Finn, he was like a fish out of water in New York and always would be.

Although he cared about his step-brother Kurt was not blind to the fact that Finn was just not right for Rachel, nor for that matter was she for Finn. It was never going to work; he just wished they'd hurry up and realize that fact for themselves.

"Oh. Okay, you would know then. But I still don't think she should take the role."

"It's not your decision to make, Finn. Rachel has always wanted to be a star, and you've always known that about her. The role is a really good one, and the show is still doing well, so it's a wonderful opportunity for her to make a real name for herself in the part and for it to lead to other roles. This is her big break. You need to seriously think about why you are with Rachel if you always want her to change to fit your ideas and wishes. Why are you two dating again and talking about marriage if you don't like each other's choices or enjoy the same things? Why aren't you with someone who has similar interests and goals to yours? You either have to learn to accept and be at peace with your differences or, if you can't, then let her go and find someone who is a better match for you." With that Kurt grabbed his satchel and left Finn to ponder his parting words.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N ** Since the first chapter was short I'm posting a second one before the week is up. As always thank you to my reviewers and followers! Now on with the story (normal disclaimers apply).

**New Beginnings Chapter 2**

As Rachel approached the rehearsal room she was suddenly grabbed from behind and pulled aside. "Berry, you'll never guess what's happened."

"You won the lottery?"

"No, silly. Better than that." Jeffrey was almost vibrating with suppressed excitement.

"You met Barbra!"

"No, no! Filming for the movie Tyson was cast in has been moved up, so he's asked to get out of his contract earlier than expected. Which means…"

"You've got a good chance at taking over the role!" Rachel shrieked in delight at her new friend's good fortune. You'll be my Melchior!"

"Yeah." Then Jeffrey frowned slightly, "but they are holding auditions. It's not a given yet. A lot will depend on the chemistry with you. Once they've narrowed the field, they'll call you in to test with the final candidates, including yours truly. That will decide who gets the lead and who will be the understudy. It's important that you feel at ease and work well with whomever they choose, so I'm sure you'll have input into their final choice," he added optimistically.

Rachel momentarily considered the possibility that she might have to play the role of Wendla with someone new. It was a role that required a great deal of trust between actors and both Jeffrey and Tyson had made her feel so comfortable. Now, she was a bit anxious about what the week would bring. But she couldn't let her fears mar her friend's hopes, so she put on a happy face and gave him a hug. It was almost a certainty that Jeffrey would get to take over the part, wasn't it?

Later that evening, as she took the subway home, Rachel pondered whether she should mention anything about the upcoming changes. On the home front things were a bit awkward in the shared residence. Since talking about the show just led to them fighting, Finn had declared that they should just agree to disagree and not talk about the show or her role at all. Rachel had reluctantly agreed to his terms, but things were decidedly cool between them, and Finn was still sleeping on the couch. Thank goodness she had Kurt to talk to about her part when Finn wasn't around or she would have exploded. As she made her way up the stairs to the apartment she decided that since nothing had actually been settled on for the role of Melchior she would say nothing for now to anyone, not even to Kurt.

XXXX

By the end of Thursday the role of Melchior had been narrowed down to three choices; Jeffrey, of course, being one of the three. Rachel had been informed ahead of time that she would be doing a scene and a song with each of them on Friday morning. So it had been difficult for her to pretend around Kurt that all was normal. Over the past few days he had been shooting her strange looks that had been increasingly hard to ignore. Ultimately it had lead her to implementing some devious avoidance tactics. On Friday morning Rachel made especially sure she was up and out of the apartment early that day in order to avoid the impending "Kurt deluxe interrogation."

Grabbing a soy latte "to go" at a favorite coffee shop, she killed some time by strolling along "the Great White Way" and imagining her name lit up on the various marquees. It was a habit she never tired of but now it was starting to sink in that soon her dream would become a reality.

Upon reaching the theatre Rachel quickly greeted the casting director and other members of the casting panel then went to wait in the wings for the first candidate. She breathed a big sigh of relief when she saw Jeffrey walk onto the stage.

Their scenes went well, which was to be expected as Jeffrey had been the one she rehearsed with most often when learning her part. They were already very comfortable with each other and it showed in their performance. Rachel was pretty certain he had the lead role in the bag so to speak.

The next hopeful was unlike Jeffrey in both build and coloring. Tate O'Neil had wavy auburn hair, green eyes and a slightly cheeky grin that Rachel found to be rather captivating. However, as their scene progressed she just could not find the timing or a connection with him. Feeling that perhaps she wasn't doing her best to give him a fair chance, she requested that they try the scene again, but it became obvious that it wasn't going to work. They had zero chemistry.

After taking a brief break to hydrate and refresh, Rachel returned to find the final candidate already on stage. He turned towards her as she entered from the wings and Rachel's heart seemed to stop beating, only to start up again in double time. Jesse St. James! He'd allowed his hair to grow out since she'd last seen him. The curls now tumbled in riotous disorder giving him a youthful look reminiscent of the Jesse who had somersaulted on her bed as they duetted 'Hello 12, Hello13.' Rachel closed her eyes for a moment then re-opened them. No, she wasn't hallucinating. She'd recognize that face and those blue eyes anywhere. It was definitely Jesse.

He seemed just as surprised to see her but he quickly donned his show-face, although she still knew him well enough to see past it to the nervousness that lay beneath. Rachel hummed softly to herself in pleasurable expectation. If there was one thing she enjoyed more than anything it was to perform with someone who could meet her beat for beat, measure for measure, and she knew Jesse could do just that. She flashed him a reassuring smile and signaled she was ready to start whenever he was.

Rachel soon became so caught up in the exhilaration of the performance that she totally forgot what was at stake. It wasn't until they had finished singing and her euphoria had ebbed somewhat, that she realized what had just happened. It would have been apparent to even someone tone-deaf and half blind that Jesse deserved the role, and even more obvious, that she and Jesse were a perfect match as Wendla and Melchior. Then she remembered what some of the scenes she would have to play with him involved, and it was as if a swarm of butterflies had been let loose in her stomach. She didn't know if the feelings were of dread or anticipation or panic, but she suddenly felt faint.

"Breathe, Rachel." Jesse had noted her rising anxiety and was now whispering reassuringly in her ear. " Whatever happens, I'm okay with it. If you don't want me in the part I'll understand. This is your big chance. I've always believed that you being a star was inevitable, and as much as I want this part, I don't want to make things difficult for you."

Rachel took a few deep breaths to steady herself and tried to think clearly. As awkward as it might be to perform with her ex-boyfriend, she couldn't deny that they elevated each other's performance. Also, she knew full well she had hurt him multiply times in the past. She simply couldn't do that to him again; she couldn't deprive him of a chance to fulfill his Broadway dreams. Instinctively she reached out and clasped his hand tightly before turning to look at the panel of decision makers. The air of excitement amongst the panel said it all, and Rachel knew her fate was sealed. She was going to be a star on Broadway, and if she was, then so was Jesse St. James.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N It's Tuesday, so here's a new chapter! To my reviewers, including**** the ones I can't pm-Lena, Lynne25, gleelover-**and to my followers, thank you. You light up my life! Oh, and MarieK -lay off the vino :-) 

**Chapter 3  
**

It was with no little trepidation that Rachel returned home that evening. She and Jesse would start rehearsals on Monday if all the paperwork was finalized in time; she dreaded having to break the news to Finn or even to Kurt for that matter. Squaring her shoulders she unlocked the door and walked purposefully into the apartment, only to realize that no one was there. Her tiny bit of courage immediately deflated and she positively raced through her nightly ritual and was in bed with the lights out long before anyone else got home.

The next morning Rachel emerged to find Finn shoveling down the last of his breakfast and Kurt nowhere in sight.

As much as she loathed the fall-out her news was bound to create, if they were a couple (though at this point she was no longer certain what they were) she should inform Finn of the re-emergence of one Jesse St. James in her life on a professional level. So Rachel regathered her courage and resolved to be mature about this.

"Good-morning Finn. Do you have a moment to talk?"

"Sure, but can you make it quick? I want to get to the gym. I have an early session with my personal trainer." Finn was now busy throwing things into his gym bag.

"It's about the show. Tyson is leav"

"Rachel, I thought we'd decided we weren't going to talk about it." Finn interrupted to firmly remind her.

"But, you need to kno"

"All I need to know is are you still going to play Wendy?"

Rachel was rapidly becoming exasperated. "It's Wendla! And yes I'm still taking the part."

"Well, then there's nothing else I need to know. It's your decision to be in that musical and I'm sure you'll be a success. But for now the only things I want to hear about are: that you got good reviews and when your run in the musical is over. Maybe in awhile I'll feel differently, but right now I don't." Finn zippered his bag shut and slung it over his shoulder. "Sorry, but I have to go. I'll see you later." He brushed a quick kiss on her forehead and was out the door in seconds.

Rachel was still seething when a bleary-eyed Kurt emerged from his room some twenty minutes later.

"Finn's gone for his morning gym workout." Rachel muttered as she brutally attacked another piece of toast with a butter knife. Kurt just mumbled something unintelligible, poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down. Rachel brought over the toast and the breakfast smoothies she had made, then joined him at the table. It was their normal routine - no talking until Kurt had downed at least one cup of coffee, and Rachel was, for once, thankful for this. Her mind continued to churn in a jumble of thoughts and emotions as she absentmindedly sipped her smoothie.

"Okay, Berry. Let's have it. I can see your thoughts spinning like crazy in that pretty little brunette head of yours. And you've been jumpy like a cat on a hot tin roof all week. What's going on? Spill!" Kurt's eyes might have been blurry and bloodshot but there was no denying their keen observation skills.

Rachel shook her head in disbelief. Honestly, it was downright scary how well Kurt could read her, even when he was barely awake. If only his step-brother understood her even half as well. She quickly dismissed the thought of Finn, better to deal with that obstacle later, as in never if possible. "Well, there have been a few changes happening in the show lately."

"They haven't given someone else your part, have they?" Kurt's eyes flashed with anger at the very thought.

"No, no! Not that! It's just that Tyson is leaving because the filming date for that movie he was cast for has been moved up."

"Oh." Kurt settled back with a sigh of relief. "So then, Jeffrey becomes your Melchior and they find a new understudy." Kurt paused and studied Rachel astutely. "But that's not what happened is it? They've hired someone else to play Melchior, and Jeffrey remains the understudy."

Rachel nodded in agreement. Her eyes firmly fixed on her half empty glass.

"So, I'm assuming from the alarming lack of forthcoming details, that either a) you don't like the choice or b) you know Finn won't like the choice or

As Rachel immediately winced when Finn's name was mentioned, Kurt continued "I'm going with option 'b' then. Which means the actor is likely good-looking, talented, and probably not gay. Am I right?"

Rachel nodded again.

"Honestly, Rachel, you are beginning to worry me. It's not like you to be this reticent. But okay, have it your way, we'll continue with twenty questions, although it's much too early for my brain cells. So, is it stunt casting with some gorgeous movie star or boyband member?"

"No."

"Hmm. Okay." Kurt pondered a bit, then asked, "Do I personally know this person?"

"Yes." Rachel mumbled.

"They cast Brody?"

Rachel promptly threw Kurt a look of disbelief.

"Okay, right. Not Brody. He isn't talented enough. Is it someone from NYADA, past or present?"

"No." Rachel squirmed in her seat. She really needed to just come out and say Jesse's name, but she dreaded hearing her best friend's reaction.

Kurt drummed his fingers on the table and rapidly searched his brain for possible actors that fit the part but he was drawing a blank, unless… "OMG! Don't tell me the rumors about St. Jerk being in New York and auditioning were true!"

Rachel glared at Kurt accusingly. "You **knew** Jesse was in New York and you failed to pass along that **very vital** piece of information?"

Kurt shifted uncomfortably under her angry gaze. "Well, it was just hearsay from a friend of a friend of a friend, and considering how Finn reacts every time Jesse's name is brought up, I figured why cause an uproar over what was just a rumor."

"Well it's not hearsay any longer. Yes, Jesse is in New York, and yes he got the part! Jeffrey was very good, but Jesse was better and put the two of us together, well..."

"Jesse and you performing together has always been pretty well unbeatable." Kurt reluctantly agreed.

"It was wonderful to sing with him again. And so effortless." Rachel admitted. "I didn't even think about what playing Wendla to his Melchior would involve until it was too late." Rachel felt only a slight twinge of conscience when she decided to omit the little detail that Jesse had pretty well said he'd withdraw if she asked him to. "I tried to tell Finn this morning about the casting change, but he refused to let me say anything about the show. Unless it's to tell him that I've left the show, he doesn't want to know." Rachel paused and chewed her lip nervously. "He's going to have a melt-down when he finds out."

That's putting it mildly, Kurt thought to himself. Finn had been spending very little time with her lately, but one whiff of this news would have Finn suddenly revert to being Rachel's doting boyfriend while upping his campaign to have her give up the part. Well, that was not going to happen, not if Kurt Hummel had any say in the matter! Rachel had worked too hard over the past few years to have this opportunity destroyed by some stupid alpha male gamesmanship. It was time to take action even if it might mean using some subversive methods.

"As Finn has basically forbidden you from saying anything about the show, I suggest we don't tell him. It will serve him right for being so pig-headed. It's your decision of course, but I mean, it's not as though you didn't try to tell him." Kurt casually launched the suggestion and then watched to see how Rachel would react.

"That's true." Rachel rapidly agreed. Finn was behaving like a child. Plus she didn't need the added stress or pressure. His attitude had already taken away some of the joy of her achievement, so why should she make any further effort to tell him? With a bit of luck Finn wouldn't find out until sometime after she and Jesse made their debut and then he would just have to deal with it. Rachel extended her pinky. "Okay, it will be our secret. Pinky swear."

"Pinky swear" Kurt solemnly agreed as he hooked his pinky around hers.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry! I got carried away writing future chapters and almost forgot to post this week's. My bad! There's a little bit of nearly everybody in this chapter.**

**Chapter Four**

Heading off campus Wednesday afternoon, Kurt encountered Carmen Tibideaux just arriving, and he stopped to greet her.

"Welcome back, Madame Tibideaux! Are all the NYADA auditions finished then?"

"Yes, Mr. Hummel, they are, and I must say it is a pleasure to return home and sleep in my own bed again. Are you in a rush to be somewhere? Or can you find the time to escort me back to my office and fill me in on Rachel's news? I expect she has been somewhat airborne since she got the role." Carmen remarked wryly.

"Yes, you could say that." Kurt immediately relieved Carmen of her briefcase and turned to accompany her back to her office. "But she's managed to come down from Cloud 11 to about Cloud 9." He exchanged a grin of mutual understanding with the Dean.

"And rehearsals are going well?"

"Everything has been going well, although there is a major casting change this week."

"Really?" The Dean stopped suddenly in surprise. "What's happened?"

"The actor who was playing Melchior was cast in a movie and he's leaving sooner than expected. So they've recast that role."

"Well, well, well. And who have they cast? Anyone from NYADA or its alumni? Or have they decided to stunt cast as so many productions seem to resort to these days?" It was quite evident from the contempt in her voice that she had little use for stunt casting.

"No, not stunt casting or anyone from NYADA. He's not likely anyone you'd know, although like Rachel, he is from Ohio and a former show choir champion. His name is Jesse St. James."

"Jesse St. James. Jesse St. James. Ah yes, I remember Mr. St. James!"

"You do?" It was Kurt's turn to abruptly stop in surprise.

"Yes, he auditioned for NYADA one year. A gifted young man, but that's not what I remember most about him."

"No?" Kurt waited in eager anticipation to hear Carmen's estimation of Jesse's less likeable qualities; the Dean was not one to pull any punches.

"What I remember best is when he approached me at Nationals, the year your show choir won. I had just heard Rachel and your team perform and I was on my way out when he stopped me. I was certain that he had come to plead his case for an audition, but no, that wasn't it at all. I can still recall his words to me. He said 'Rachel's the most talented person I've ever met, bar none. If anyone's going to be a star one day, it's her.' Then he promised me that I would never regret accepting her for NYADA."

"Wait. St. James said that? Did that? For Rachel even though his choir was competing against ours?"

"Yes. It was a very altruistic thing to do. I don't see that happen too often in the competitive world of The Arts. And it turns out, he was right about Rachel. I must say, I'm glad to hear that he's landed a good role. His talent and passion for performing should take him far if he's given the right opportunities. He'll be an excellent match for Rachel in the production; his abilities were being wasted as a show choir director. I must drop by a rehearsal later this week and see how they are progressing."

"I'd like to see that too." Kurt muttered to himself, while still mulling over Carmen's surprising words. Could it be that he had misjudged Jesse to some extent?

Madame Tibideaux's ever sharp hearing had picked up Kurt's words. "Well then, why don't you escort me to rehearsal on Friday? But let's not inform Ms. Berry, she needs to concentrate as she adjusts to the recent changes."

"I'd be delighted to escort you." Kurt then placed his hand over his heart in a dramatic fashion. "And I swear my lips are sealed."

Dean Tibideaux unlocked her office door and ushered Kurt in."Wonderful. That's settled. I'll contact the director and arrange for us to watch unobtrusively. Then, after that's finalized I will notify your other teachers you are on special assignment. Now, let me just start the coffee and you can fill me in on what else has been happening at NYADA in my absence. Your accounts are always so much more interesting than that of my colleagues."

XXX

Since _Spring Awakening_ was one of Jesse's favorite musicals, he had the songs and the dialogue memorized long before his audition. Because of that, rehearsal time had quickly moved into his learning the blocking of the scenes and run throughs with various cast members as they were available.

He tried very hard to maintain a strictly professional demeanor around Rachel when rehearsing any scenes with her; treating her as he would any other actor that he had no previous personal history with. Neither one mentioned their previous relationship, they just concentrated on the parts they had to play. He was exceedingly thankful for this. If they could continue in this manner then the two most difficult scenes (they had yet to tackle those) would be manageable.

He was intently watching Rachel practice "Mother Who Bore Me," when Jeffrey wandered over to watch with him.

"She's terrific, isn't she?" Jeffrey murmured.

"Yes, she's a star." Jesse agreed without hesitation.

"Well, not quite yet, but on her way to stardom for sure. Just like you."

Jesse turned to look at Jeffrey and raised an eyebrow. "She has an extraordinary voice; I'm very good, but not that good. Why the flattery? Shouldn't you hate me for getting the role you wanted?"

"I'd hate you if you were someone who didn't deserve the part, but I respect talent and you've got plenty. Don't sell yourself short. Although you might not have the vocal capabilities of Rachel, you are a better actor and dancer than she is." Jeffrey grinned cheekily. "And no I'm not just saying that as a pick up line, I'm pretty certain you don't bat for my team, do you?"

Jesse smirked. "Nope, not even the mixed league."

"Pity," Jeffrey heaved a sigh of disappointment - one which was only slightly exaggerated. "I was afraid you'd say that, but it doesn't hurt to ask. You are rather a loner though aren't you?"

"Some would say so."

"You should join Rachel and me for lunch. Get to know us better; we don't bite."

Jesse gave a brief, harsh laugh. "I appreciate the thought, Jeffrey but I'm pretty sure Rachel's boyfriend would be very unhappy to discover I was socializing with her. In fact, you just might get a chance to play Melchior if I did." And with that cryptic comment Jesse strolled away.

xxx

Rachel had understood that the first few days for Jesse would be intense and exhausting. So at first, when he spent a great deal of time discussing technical matters with cast and crew (if he wasn't running lines) she wasn't perturbed that they didn't have much interaction. But it was now Wednesday and in a day or so they would begin rehearsing their two most difficult scenes. Rachel was feeling an increasing need to reconnect with Jesse. Surely it would make the scenes less awkward if they spent some time together and got caught up on each other's lives? Deciding it was up to her to make the first move, she approached him the instant his rehearsal ended for the day.

"Jesse. Do you want to go for coffee or maybe dinner tonight? We haven't really had any time to talk."

Jesse wondered if the fates were conspiring against him today. First Jeffrey and now Rachel seemed intent on having him socialize with her. But it would only make it more difficult for him to sustain an emotional distance. Fortunately, he had an excellent excuse to give Rachel, one that she couldn't overcome. With an outward air of calmness he finished putting away his towel and water bottle, then replied. "I'm sorry Rachel, but I have to get to my job. My shift starts in half an hour."

"Job?" Rachel was taken aback. "You're working?"

"Yes, Rachel, I'm working. My parents weren't exactly happy with me when I flunked out of UCLA. I took the coaching job at Carmel, not just because I wanted Vocal Adrenaline to stay on top but also because I needed that job. When we lost to New Directions, my job at Carmel was terminated. I had nothing left to lose so I came to New York to try to make it. Since I'm not exactly qualified to do much that doesn't involve singing, dancing or acting, I'm a waiter. The job allows me to work around my acting gigs and rehearsals."

Rachel didn't know what to say. Jesse had always seemed to have it all. He had the looks, the talent, the rich parents, and the prestige of being a four time show choir champion. In many ways he had been her idol. It bothered her immensely to think that he hadn't been exaggerating at Nationals when he'd told her about the pressure he was under to make Vocal Adrenaline a winning team again.

"You needn't be sad Rachel; I don't need your pity. I'm not living on the street yet." Jesse smiled but there was no mirth in his voice. "I have to pay for my own living expenses and the utilities I use, but my parents are allowing me to live in their New York apartment for one more year. Now, I don't mean to be rude, but I really have to get going. I'll see you tomorrow at rehearsals."

Rachel nodded and watched with troubled eyes as Jesse walked away. It was even more vital now that their debut was successful. It would affect his future even more than hers.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

For the remainder of the afternoon, as Kurt waited for Rachel to return from rehearsal, he pondered what Carmen had told him about Jesse. He was still taken aback by what Jesse had done and even more amazed that the guy hadn't somehow informed Rachel about his endeavors in her behalf. It just didn't fit the image Kurt had built of St. James.

However, he had to admit that he had been working under the assumption that Jesse had always been motivated purely by self-serving ambition and the need to crush New Directions. But what if that wasn't the case at all? What if Jesse, as egotistical as he appeared to be, had actually cared about Rachel? In which case, his anger at her triple casting him in _Run, Joey, Run_ would have hurt more than his ego. It would explain so much better Jesse's subsequent actions, including his returning to try to make amends and to help New Directions win Nationals the following year.

And it wasn't Jesse who had sabotaged their efforts in their junior year. They'd done that all by themselves. New Directions had been too suspicious of Jesse to accept his recommendations. There had been too many egos and too little practice and preparation. Kurt shuddered now whenever he recalled just how insane and presumptuous they had been to think they could win a Nationals title with no songs written until the last minute and no real choreography in place because of that. Truthfully, they hadn't even deserved to rank as high as they had that year.

By the time Kurt and Rachel had become best friends, Jesse was to all intents and purposes out of her life. Kurt began to wonder just what other pieces of information he lacked concerning Jesse, and how much his own view had been skewed by his envy of Jesse's talent. Kurt and Rachel's schedules hadn't allowed for much chat so far this week but tonight was their designated movie night. Given that Finn had gone to spend the week with their parents, Kurt deemed this to be an ideal time to have a _Tête_ à _Tête _with Rachel about her new rehearsal partner. He had just finished putting together a tea tray with sandwiches and cut veggies when she walked through the door.

"Hey, how'd your day go, Berry?"

"Good." Rachel removed her light spring jacket and, after kicking off her shoes, sank down on the sofa. "But it was a long day. How about yours?"

Kurt put the tray down on the coffee table and dropped into the nearby chair. "Carmen is back and we had a chat..." he had to quickly bite his tongue before he revealed too much, "about your role and what's been happening at NYADA."

Rachel laughed. "Kurt Hummel, teacher's pet. That woman has a soft spot for you, admit it!"

Kurt grabbed a baby carrot from the tray and threw it at Rachel. "Behave Berry! And quit changing the topic. I want details. How was your day with St. Jerk?"

"I wish you'd quit calling him that, Kurt. He's really not the bad guy you and the rest of New Directions made him out to be. He was never a spy. He was just obeying Shelby's orders to try and get me to search for her. It wasn't his fault that Shelby decided she didn't need a teenage daughter and he went back to Vocal Adrenaline." Rachel sighed. Although she and Shelby had achieved a casual friendship it was never going to be a real mother and daughter relationship. She shook her head to displace those melancholy thoughts and returned to the subject of Jesse.

"Also, although he wasn't afraid to give me useful constructive criticism, he didn't demean my talents or call me hurtful names. He might not have liked New Directions but he was my biggest fan. Did I ever tell you what he said to me the second time we met?"

"No, I don't think so." Kurt put his teacup down and sat back attentively to listen.

"After we had just finished an impromptu duet of 'Hello 12, Hello 12,' he said singing with me was exhilarating and it was a shame I wasn't in Vocal Adrenaline because then we would get every duet together."

"But he did egg you, Rachel." Kurt softly reminded her.

"I know. And at the time it was horrible. But Finn, Puck and even you, did some pretty horrible things to me in the past as well. And Jesse did apologize and try to make it up to me. Having him as my unofficial escort at junior prom was actually a lot of fun, at least until Finn butted in and humiliated both Quinn and me." Rachel frowned at that distasteful memory.

"Okay, so maybe Jesse isn't quite as much of a jerk as I thought. So, how is he behaving in rehearsals?"

"Well, it is only day three, and he has scenes with others besides me you know. But he's been doing well. He's more than willing to take direction and be a team player. He had to learn that just like I did. We just took different paths while learning it." Rachel didn't elaborate further. She didn't want to hear Kurt's ridicule about Jesse's failures since graduating from Carmel.

"I'm glad to hear that, but I was referring to the hayloft scene with him."

"OH." Rachel blushed slightly. "We haven't got to that scene yet. It's too soon. Although, since Jesse already knew the musical so well, we'll likely start working on it tomorrow or Friday. But, he's been very professional. He hasn't flirted or even gently teased me like he once would have."

Kurt was quick to note that Rachel seemed almost wistful when she said that. Yes, he was definitely looking forward to Friday. It could prove to be very enlightening. Very enlightening indeed.

Later that evening after supper, Kurt and Rachel shared a bottle of wine as they watched one of Barbra' concerts. As the show ended, Kurt turned off the television and poured the remaining wine into to their glasses. The wine was making him feel rather philosophical and he mused aloud.

"Have you ever wondered what if?"

"What if what?"

"What if you and I and Finn had never met in high school? Had never attended McKinley together? You and I met for the first time at NYADA and you first met my step-brother Finn through met Jesse when he auditioned for Melchior."

Rachel furrowed her brow. "I'm not sure I can do that." Her brain was feeling a little fuzzy after the wine and she wasn't sure exactly what Kurt meant.

"Okay, let me put it another way. Think of it as an acting challenge. You are a young talented actress suffering from amnesia who doesn't remember anyone from high school. I'm Kurt your room-mate whom you met at NYADA and Finn Hudson is another room-mate who helps us meet the apartment rental costs. "

She closed her eyes and after a moment, reopened them and nodded her head vigorously. "Okay, I can pretend that. Now what?"

"What would be your evaluation of me? Of Jesse? Of Finn?" Kurt leaned back and watched Rachel's imagination take flight.

Again Rachel closed her eyes. "I'd still think you were amazing and how lucky I was to have you as my best friend. You're funny and smart and brave and talented. Sometimes your sarcasm is bit cruel and you don't forgive easily but you are a loyal friend."

After a moment of thought Rachel continued. "As for Jesse, from what I've seen of him this week? He's very talented and intuitive. He's very professional and hard working. I don't have to explain things to him, he just gets it. He fully appreciates my talents and he is quick to note when I've surpassed myself or where I need to improve. He's very good looking and everyone in the cast, both male and female are swooning over him. He respects my personal space off stage, perhaps a little too distant even.." Rachel's voice trailed off uncertainly as she added, "He seems lonely and sad though."

"And Finn?" Kurt prodded.

A cascade of expressions tumbled across Rachel's face as she thought about Finn. Slowly a frown developed and her lips pursed. "He's..he's well meaning but generally acts without understanding or thinking about how his actions or words could hurt. Not bad looking, but not very intelligent. It's difficult to converse with him because he often doesn't understand or is bored by what we talk about. A small town kind of guy with limited interests outside of sports and music. Plays drums well and sings okay, but is a terrible dancer."

"So, would you date the Finn Hudson you'd just described?" Kurt was now very interested in hearing her reply.

"No, we have nothing really in com…mon." Rachel's eyes suddenly snapped open in surprise at what she'd just said.

"So if Finn is all those things, why did you two get back together a few months ago? Why would you even consider marrying him?" Kurt asked in confusion.

Rachel sank back into the sofa's cushions as if she'd been punched. Finally, after some moments had passed, she leaned forward, picked up her glass, and drained it. "I guess I still think of him as the popular jock who paid attention to little miss nobody me. He could sing a bit and he was cute. I cast him as my leading man. He was this unpopular teenage girl's fantasy come true."

Kurt sighed and patted her knee sympathetically."I get it, you saw him as your knight in shining armor. But I think you've both been holding on to a dream that isn't based in reality."

Rachel chewed her bottom lip pensively."I suppose I thought that once Finn grew up and was secure in his identity and career, we'd be a better match and then we'd get together again to live happily ever after. But Finn really doesn't understand me nor how much this role means to me. Brody would understand. You and Jesse understand," she shook her head sadly, "but Finn is never going to get it, is he?"

""No. He's not. Just like you are never going to understand the things he's interested in. The reality is, you are wrong for each other."

"You're right." Rachel admitted regretfully. "Our lives are too different, and if anything, they are growing further apart. I don't even know when I fell out of love with him and he just became childish dream I wouldn't let go of. When he gets back Saturday we need to talk. For both our sakes, it's time to let go for good."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N With my writing of this story coming along so well, I figured I'd gift my followers and reviewers with another chapter this week. (This is the calm before the angst commences.)**_  
_

**Chapter 6**

Friday's rehearsal had turned out to be even more difficult to get through than Jesse had expected it would be. They had worked on that scene and although they performed it fully clothed, just being in such an intimate position had brought back too many memories. Even after the rehearsal was finished for the day, in his imagination, Jesse could still feel Rachel's body beneath him and her lips on his. He was very relieved that he had a break of several hours before he had to return to the theater to watch the evening performance (as was now required for him and Rachel to do).

As soon as they were free to go, Jesse grabbed his belongings as quickly as possible and headed for the exit. Moments later he strode towards the outside doors thinking he had successfully made his getaway until a voice from behind hailed him.

"St. James, wait up!"

Jesse turned reluctantly; a frown forming between his two perfect eyebrows. Then one eyebrow arched in surprise as he identified the source of that command.

"Hummel? I wasn't aware you were here. Has there been a sighting of Liza in the building that I'm unaware of?" Jesse couldn't resist delivering the jibe.

"Cut the crap, St. James. We need to talk somewhere privately." Kurt had by now caught up to Jesse and was urging him towards the exit. "Hurry up before Rachel sees us."

Somewhat intrigued in spite of himself, Jesse fell easily into step with Kurt. "There's a café not too far from here that should be safe. All the vegans and vegetarians avoid it – far too meaty an atmosphere."

Kurt stopped abruptly and turned to Jesse in surprise. "I'm impressed that you remembered that about Rachel."

It was now Jesse's turn to look at Kurt in bewilderment. "Of course I remembered. It used to make planning our dates a bit of a challenge, but I respected her opinion on the subject. It was an important part of who she was."

Kurt mulled that over as they once again began walking. Clearly he had some misconceptions about St. James and his past motives in regards to Rachel. "So, why the egging? Why, when you knew Rachel was a vegan and respected her for that, would you instigate the egging?"

Jesse sighed and briefly closed his eyes in pained remembrance. "I didn't instigate the egging. That was all a last minute idea of Gisele's to make me prove my team loyalty because I had refused to divulge your setlist. The eggs were actually suppose to be for another team. But yes, I went along with it. Call it peer pressure. Call it weakness. Call it stupidity. Call it a reaction to my realizing Rachel could hurt me because she didn't care as much about me as I had come to care about her. It was a moment of emotional self-preservation. It was also the worst decision of my life and something I've truly regretted ever since."

Kurt thoughtfully considered Jesse's words as they ordered their coffees. No more was said until they found a table, and then Jesse was the one to break the silence first.

"So why is it so vital you talk to me, Kurt? If you are going to give me the spiel about staying out of Rachel and Finn's life and not causing any trouble, you can just save it. I long ago accepted that Rachel is in love with that talentless moron - although God only knows what she sees in him. But if you'd stop and look at our past record, you'd realize that I never once tried to pursue Rachel while she was dating Finn. It was your stepbrother's modus operandi to go after other guys' girlfriends, not mine; besides, I will never do anything that would jeopardize her shot at stardom or cause her further unhappiness."

Kurt placed his fingertips together and tapped them against his lip as he considered Jesse's words thoughtfully. "When Rachel told me you'd got the part, my immediate reaction was dismay, but my second was curiosity. I wanted to know what your intentions were towards Rachel, and so I caught a rehearsal the first chance I got. I have no illusions about my step-brother, he often wants something or someone when it is no longer in his possession; you're not telling me anything about him that I don't already know. And though, as far as I know, you have never cheated on Rachel or with her, the obvious chemistry between you two in this musical makes me nervous. You can't convince me that you no longer have feelings for Rachel."

Jesse let out a short, bitter laugh. "Yes, I still have feelings for her, although I wish to God I didn't." He tugged his hands through his curls distractedly. "Going into this role I had deluded myself thinking I was over her; I couldn't have been more wrong. Today, I even briefly considered giving up the part because it hurts to be so close to someone I'll never have. It's almost masochistic of me to stay. But this is also my chance to make it big; being a star, performing on Broadway, may now be the only dream, the only happiness, I achieve. I really do believe that together we are going to blow everyone away with our performances."

Jesse paused and his eyes seemed to turn an icy shade of blue when he resumed speaking. "However, I will no longer be her pawn in the Finchel game. I'm tired of always coming in second to Finn. I still care about Rachel's happiness, I still care about her success, but I'm not about to put my heart out there just for her to stomp on it yet again. You'll just have to take my word for it, that aside from when Rachel and I are on stage, I will not be involved in any way in Rachel's life."

Although he had previously never liked St. James, Kurt now acknowledged the obvious ring of sincerity in Jesse's words and the glint of heartache at the back of his eyes. Jesse hadn't pretended to like Rachel, he had actually fallen in love with her. Kurt shook his head sadly. Jesse was still in love with her, but Kurt was not going to let Jesse know about Finn and Rachel's impending breakup. He could immediately see that Jesse would only assume it was a momentary split, just one of many that Finn and Rachel had had. Jesse would need proof it was really over and it was too soon to give him hope, let alone proof.

"Just so you know, at the moment Finn doesn't know you've replaced Tyson. Even though I believe you, it's not going to be pretty when he finds out." That much Kurt could truthfully say. No matter what Finn and Rachel's relationship was, he knew Finn hated Jesse and especially a Jesse who was anywhere near Rachel.

Jesse nearly choked on the mouthful of coffee he'd just taken. "What?! He doesn't know? Neither Rachel nor you have mentioned it yet?" Jesse was incredulous. He'd overheard Rachel say that Finn was out of town so he'd assumed that was the only reason Finnbecile hadn't been by yet to stake his claim and threaten Jesse in person.

"No. He was all against Rachel taking the role, once he'd figured out what the part entailed. The only reason he reluctantly accepted the idea was the fact that Tyson and Jeffrey are gay and therefore no competition. But he still declared all discussion about the play to be a forbidden topic since it just led to him and Rachel fighting." Kurt grimaced. "Sometimes I really hate admitting I know him, let alone that he's my step-brother."

"So, are you going to tell him?"

"Prior to this week, I would have said yes. However, I do believe that you and I are on the same page about this. We both want Rachel to succeed. This is her big break and I want no part in having Finn ruin it for her. Also, I had a very interesting conversation with Dean Tibideaux earlier this week. She told me you spoke to her about giving Rachel another chance."

"She did?" Jesse shifted somewhat embarrassedly in his seat. "No one was supposed to know about that."

"Well, it was a rather noble thing for you to do, especially as you've never used it to gain favor in Rachel's eyes. It made me re-evaluate your actions in the past, and I realized that ever since you showed up at Rachel's prom in her junior year, you have always put her interests first. Your attempts to get her the lead at Nationals were not as self-serving as I assumed. And now, since I no longer feel threatened by her talent, I can admit that a lot of what you said about New Directions was right. We weren't prepared for Nationals. We didn't work hard for it and we deserved to lose. Although your comments while you were assisting Mr. Shue in coaching us could have been said more tactfully."

Jesse smirked "You mean you didn't even agree with my comment about Finn's singing and dancing skills?" Then he looked pointedly at Kurt and asked, "Even if I had been tactful, would you have listened?"

"No, probably not." Kurt conceded. "We didn't trust you and we had dubbed you the common enemy no matter what. Anyway, I'm not going to tell him. I'll even try to give you a heads-up when he eventually finds out, so that you won't be caught by surprise. Which reminds me, it would be a good idea for us to exchange phone numbers."

Jesse pulled out a pen, scribbled his number on a napkin and shoved it towards Kurt. "Fair enough. I'd also like to be warned when Finn and Rachel get married so that I can be far far away when it happens; preferably on some tropical island where I can get totally wasted and rendered incapable of thinking about it."

Kurt had pulled out his phone and was proceeding to dial Jesse's. "There, now you have my number. I promise to keep you posted, and I can't believe I'm saying this to you of all people, but I hope the Hudson Berry nuptials never happen." Kurt stood up to leave. "I also want to say that although Tyson is good in the role, you are way better. Good luck with rehearsals, Jesse. I'll see you at your debut, if not before."

The two men shook hands, and Kurt left, leaving a somewhat bemused Jesse St. James to ponder this strange new alliance.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N **_It's Tuesday update time, and a new year! Is it just me or did 2012 go by very fast? _

_A slightly longer chapter and no, in case anyone is wondering (or hoping), this isn't the last we see of Finn._**  
**

**Chapter 7**

When Finn returned Saturday evening, he was surprised and pleased to find that Rachel had prepared a full dinner.

"So that's why you kept texting me about where I was and how soon I'd be home!" Finn dropped his carryall by the door, and came over to check what was in the dish Rachel was currently stirring. She automatically slapped his hand away.

"Go wash up. Everything will be on the table when you return."

"Yes, Sir!" Finn wandered off and Rachel gave everything a final check over. She might never be a great cook but she had mastered quite a few of Finn and Kurt's favorites. In any case, since Finn only liked simple, basic meals, cooking a pasta dish was pretty straightforward. She put the apple crumble into the oven and after setting the timer, brought the salad and then the vegetarian lasagna over to the table.

Rachel quickly tidied herself up and was debating opening a bottle of wine, when Finn returned. She liked red, he preferred white - if he drank any at all. He solved the issue by raiding the fridge and removing a beer, so Rachel opted for water;she needed to be clear thinking.

Finn had finally noticed that the table was set only for two. "Kurt's not here?"

"No, he's gone out with friends for the day. He said he'd get all the news from your visit later tonight."

"Okay." Finn glanced again at the table and the meal as he sat down and wondered if this was meant to be a romantic dinner. There were no candles, but then it wasn't dark out yet so there wouldn't be, right? He looked again at Rachel. She wasn't wearing anything flashy or sexy. He was confused, but the meal smelled good and he was hungry so he dug right in.

Rachel quizzed him about his visit with Burt and Carol and his trip while they ate. It was when the crumble had cooled enough to serve that she decided it was time for them to really talk.

She placed the dessert in front of Finn, then sat back down, her own dessert left untouched. She waited until he was nearly finished before saying. "Finn, while you were away, I've been doing a lot of thinking."

Finn recognized that tone of voice. It was Rachel's 'very serious' voice, and he generally didn't like what she had to say when she used it. He set his spoon down and waited for her to continue.

Rachel took a deep breath and tried to refrain from speaking too fast. She knew she had a tendency to rattle things off when she was nervous and this was too important a conversation to mess up. "I' don't think either of us is happy in this relationship. We got back together believing that we had matured and that we could make it work. But the reality is, we are wrong for each other and nothing either of us is going to do is going to change that. We are simply too different. Instead of making each other happy, we make each other miserable. We got along much better when we broke up after graduation; when we were just friends." Rachel watched Finn's face carefully to see how he was taking this and then she asked bluntly. "Tell me truthfully, do I make you happy?"

Finn thought about the moments when he'd been happy recently. He had been happy while visiting Burt and Carol. He'd been happy to see his other past choir students (especially Marley). He hadn't been happy in New York, and once his studies were finished, he knew didn't want to live here. Over the past week he'd also thought quite a bit about Kurt's words about differences, and he had come to realize that he hated always being at odds with Rachel and her dreams. He loved Rachel - her singing, her passion for performing, her bigger than life personality, but he realized that he wasn't in love with her. A sense of release and relief flooded over Finn. He didn't have to marry Rachel. She wasn't expecting him to.

"No. You don't. I like you Rachel, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore."

They looked at each other for a long moment and then both smiled sadly.

"You know you're welcome to stay. Kurt's still your brother, and I'd like to think we're still friends." Rachel stood up and now placed her hand reassuringly on Finn's shoulder.

"I know. But it's probably best if I move out. Kevin has a spare room and is looking for a room-mate. It will be less of a commute for me, and" Finn grinned "it will be a lot more comfortable than sleeping on the couch here. I'll give him a call."

Week two of Rehearsals

Because of the precision the hayloft scene required in timing and dealing with clothing, Rachel and Jesse had begun rehearsing their parts in costume at the start of the second week of rehearsals. After several days of costumed rehearsal, Jesse found he had cause to be grateful for many things. He was grateful for the cold drafty stage. He was grateful that the scene was fairly short and split into two parts, and most of all he was grateful that Rachel's acting ability had vastly improved since her high school days. She was very convincing as Wendla and, as the character of Wendla, she was far too young and immature to appeal to Jesse. As long as Jesse could see Wendla in his arms and not Rachel Berry he was able to do the scene without embarrassing himself or her.

The beating scene however, he was finding much more difficult. The first few times they'd enacted it, it was like catharsis for him - a means of dealing with the pain from her past rejections, that he'd kept buried deep inside. But now it just left him emotionally drained and sickened; he hated that scene and frequently found himself apologizing to Rachel after they rehearsed it.

He sometimes thought about how strange it was to be so intimate and close to her when they were Wendla and Melchior, yet still so distant as Rachel and Jesse. But most of the time he was too tired from rehearsals and his job to think or feel at all. With the full put-in rehearsal scheduled for Wednesday of the following week, then their debut on the Thursday, they were putting in long hours to get everything right.

After their debut they would begin alternating shows with Tyson and Krista until the end of the month when the two stars left the show. Jesse wished it was already their debut night. Yes, he wanted to experience what it would be like in front of their first real audience, but just as much he was looking forward to spending less time around Rachel. It was getting more and more difficult to appear detached around her when he spent so many hours in her company each day and evening. Too often they were on the same wavelength, too often he wanted to laugh with her. Too often he'd look up and find her watching him with a look in her eyes that made him feel too much. He had to somehow fortify the walls and not let her in again.

XXX

Kurt returned home late Saturday night and noted with some concern that once again Rachel was sitting on the sofa and staring mindlessly into space, her script lying forgotten on the coffee table. It had become a pattern the past three evenings.

He poured himself a cup of decaf and then padded over the sofa to sit next to her."Rachel? Is something wrong? Are you worried about your debut next week or are you upset that you and Finn broke up last weekend?"

"What? No, not that." Rachel stated adamantly, then her voice changed to a wistful tone. "It's just…It's Jesse."

Instinctively Kurt's hackles rose and he demanded "What has he been up to?"

"Oh no he's done nothing wrong! He's been a perfect gentleman. I just thought that once we were comfortable performing together and nearly ready for our debut that he'd go back to being the Jesse I used to know."

Kurt relaxed and hid a small smile behind his coffee cup. "As in the Jesse you've been telling me about over the past week? The Jesse who you could act out all your favorite musicals with? The one who found all the best vegan places to eat? The Jesse who you would spend hours talking to on the phone? That Jesse?"

Rachel blushed "Yes. That Jesse. Also, the Jesse who'd hug me and make me feel special. I miss that Jesse. Offstage he's oh so polite and oh so distant with me, it's like we're strangers. I haven't even been able to tell him that Finn and I broke up."

Kurt decided perhaps now was time for some home truths. "Yes, well he is also the boyfriend that you triple cast in a video with your **ex-**boyfriends. The guy who tried to make your junior prom special but he got kicked out because your **ex**-boyfriend got jealous and spoiled everything. He is the guy who flew all the way to New York to support you at Nationals - although you had ignored his texts of encouragement. He is also the Jesse who had to watch you and Finn kiss on stage at Nationals."

Kurt watched a look of mortification dawn in Rachel's eyes and grow, but he ignored it. He loved Rachel, however it was time she faced the facts. "You've never put Jesse first in your life. He was just someone to flaunt in front of Finn, or an accessory to your ego. He was the Jesse you only wanted when Finn didn't want you. You have always chosen Finn, Rachel. You nearly married Finn. Have you ever made Jesse feel special? Like he was more important to you than anyone else? Even if Jesse was still attracted to you, tell me why would he ever risk his heart with you again? He probably believes you will always be in love with Finn, and that he will always be a distant second."

Kurt patted her arm gently then stood up. "A guy can only take so much rejection, and then he's got to move on. Don't hurt him again, Rachel." As he headed towards his room Kurt tried to erase from his mind how stricken she had looked at his words. He felt horrible, but Rachel could still at times be exceedingly self-centered and totally oblivious as to how badly she hurt people emotionally. Love was a two way street, it couldn't be all take on one person's part and all give on the other's. Part of his job as a real friend was to tell her the truth even if it caused pain for them both.

For several minutes after Kurt left the room, Rachel just sat, completely stunned; Kurt's words of truth first sinking into her mind and then her heart. But then the tears began to fall. She spent the rest of the evening in her bedroom, sobbing her heart out until finally she fell into an exhausted sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N**_ A little late in posting this, but I refused to allow myself to turn on my computer today until I'd got my 'must do list' done. It's a shame one can't train pets to do laundry and cleaning. :-) Thank you for your reviews and for adding the story to your alerts and favs!_

Chapter 8

Sunday morning Rachel waited until she was sure Kurt had left the apartment before she clambered out of her rumpled bed. She then quickly got dressed, put on sunglasses to hide her bloodshot, puffy eyes, and set off for a brisk walk to clear her mind. But Kurt's words kept playing in her head and no amount of traffic or street noise was able to drown them out.

She knew she had a tendency to be selfish. It was a constant battle to balance her diva inclinations with her desire to be loved, to have friends and to give love. Added to that, her relationship with Jesse was complicated; it had started out with awe and idol worship on her part, and secrecy on his. She had nursed her bruised ego (bruises courtesy of one Finn Hudson) by basking in the limelight of having Vocal Adrenaline's star performer as her devoted boyfriend. Admittedly she had also gained satisfaction in flaunting the relationship in front of Finn and in making Finn jealous. By the time she had realized what she had in Jesse, she'd ruined it with that stupid video. He had completed the destruction of their relationship with the egging. Her sophomore year had been one big mess when it came to relationships. Her junior and senior year? A disaster. She'd almost lost herself, along with all her ambition and drive in her crazy need to be Finn's girlfriend; to mold her personality to suit him.

Rachel now realized that she'd been so involved in her feelings and Finn's feelings that she'd never really considered Jesse's feelings. She'd convinced herself that he'd had none; he was just a soulless automaton. But if Jesse had really cared, and in hindsight, all his actions since his return for her Junior Prom seemed to show that, then she'd treated him very badly. Even if he'd only wanted friendship in her junior year, she'd cut off all contact with him without any thought or explanation. It wasn't a very pretty picture and Rachel struggled with how she could ever make things right, or if that was even possible now. She wished she could erase all the past. She wished that she and Jesse were meeting for the first time with none of their broken history clouding matters up, but "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." She couldn't change their past, but she could stop hurting him and stop treating him as second best.

Her bleak thoughts were suddenly interrupted by her alarm app going off, and she glanced worriedly at the time. She was going to be late for her brunch date with Jeffrey if she didn't hurry. Maybe he could take her mind off her roller coaster of emotions and thoughts for awhile so that she could gain some perspective on what to do next.

xxxx

"It's such a tragedy" Jeffrey lamented an hour later as he and Rachel sat outside their favorite bistro awaiting their orders.

"What is?"

"That Jesse drop-dead gorgeous St. James is straight and unfortunately not even bi-curious. That hair, those eyes, those lips, that body! I knew he was too good to be true." Jeffrey's eyes took on a bright mischievous gleam. "Now you however, have reason to be ecstatic about his sexual orientation. And he's a much better match for you than that boyfriend of yours."

"Finn is now my ex-boyfriend." Rachel quickly reminded him, while she tried hard not to think about Jesse's physical attributes, which Jeffrey had just so 'kindly' enumerated.

"Exactly, **EX**-boyfriend. You are now free and apparently so is Jesse, so why aren't you hitting on that fine specimen of manhood? You two have a lot of chemistry on stage and I've seen the way you watch him whenever you think he's not looking. Admit it; Rachel Berry is smitten by her leading man."

"You are imagining things, Jeffrey. It's purely professional admiration." Rachel really didn't want to discuss her history or complicated love life; her emotions were still far too raw.

"Don't give me that! And I'm not talking just lust, there's pure longing written all over your face. I think Rachel Berry's got it pretty bad."

"I have not!"

"If you say so, honey." Jeffrey's attention was suddenly caught by something over Rachel's left shoulder. "Well, well, well. Maybe it's a good thing your heart isn't involved. I see Mr. St. James has found some female companionship." Jeffrey craned his neck further to the left for a better look, and gave the unknown woman a quick but thorough evaluation. "She's not bad, but nothing special that I can see. I was pretty sure he'd go for the more interesting and unusual, someone like you."

It took every ounce of control Rachel possessed not to whip her head around and stare, but she somehow managed it. How long she could have maintained a facade of indifference was fortunately not put to the test as Jeffrey added, "Oh good! They're coming this way." He stood up and waved, making Rachel want to slink under the table, out of sight. Her last real weekend off for the foreseeable future was just getting better and better, wasn't it?

"Jeffrey, Rachel." Jesse was now standing by their table, and Rachel wondered how on earth she could have forgotten just how sexy his voice sounded when he spoke in a relaxed, amused tone. Of course she hadn't heard him sound relaxed or amused in a long time, she reminded herself as she looked up to meet his gaze. He was standing with his arm slung casually around a girl who looked vaguely familiar to her.

"Shoshandra, I'd like you to meet my castmates, Jeffrey Spencer and Rachel Berry. Rachel, Jeffrey - Shoshandra Kingston."

Shoshandra looked decidedly embarrassed as her eyes met Rachel's and she quickly said "Rachel, I'm glad we're having this opportunity to meet again. I know it's been some years, but I'd really like to apologize for the funk..."

Finally recognizing the former Vocal Adrenaline member, Rachel hastily interrupted her apology. "Really there's no need, Shoshandra. It was all a long time ago and competition is competition. I understand."

A look of confusion followed rapidly by one of curiosity crossed Jeffrey's features and Rachel just knew she was going to be interrogated later. She swiftly changed the subject. "So, are you just visiting New York?"

"Please, call me Shandra, and no, I live here now. I'm currently Rumpleteazer in the revival of Cats. I understand you are about to make your debut as Wendla, how exciting for you!" Shandra seemed genuinely pleased for her.

"Yes, yes it is." Rachel really wanted to dislike the girl, but she couldn't, she seemed to be thoroughly nice. Now if it had been Giselle, well that would have been another story.

The four exchanged a few more words then Jesse and Shandra excused themselves as Shandra had a matinee performance to get ready for.

"So, you and _Shoshandra_ have history, hmmm?" Her friend could barely wait until they were out of earshot before quizzing Rachel.

"She was in a rival show choir that funkified our show choir before a Regional competition."

"Funkified? What is that?"

"It's a form of intimidation to psyche out the competition." Rachel shrugged her shoulders as if it were a trivial matter. "It was a long time ago and we were all just teenagers. It doesn't matter anymore."

Jeffrey knew there was more to it than that. He had been picking up all kinds of interesting vibes between Rachel, Jesse and Shandra in the short time they had talked. Suddenly certain things began to make sense.

"Wait a minute. I overheard someone saying Jesse had been a show choir champion. You knew each other before landing roles in Spring Awakening - from show choir competitions, am I right? Was Jesse part of the funkification?"

"Yes." Rachel admitted uncomfortably. "Now please, Jeffrey, just drop it okay? Can we talk about this another time?"

Jeffrey could hear real distress in Rachel's voice and bottled his curiosity for the time being, but it didn't mean he wasn't going to try and figure out what had happened. He was sensing a star crossed lovers story here somewhere, although just how Rachel's ex fitted in to this he wasn't exactly sure. But Jesse's previous cryptic remark about Finn had been part of the puzzle he was certain. So tactfully he changed the subject and suggested it was time for a shopping expedition.

xxxxx

As Jesse and Shandra walked on a ways, she suddenly poked Jesse in the ribs. "So did that accomplish what you wanted it to, St. James?"

Jesse feigned ignorance. "Whatever are you talking about, Shandra?"

"I mean, I get the distinct feeling that our meeting Rachel and Jeffrey wasn't exactly coincidental. I always figured there was more to the Jesse St. James transfer to McKinley than you told us. Your two really were an item, weren't you? So what are you up to? Are you trying to make her jealous? Rekindle the flame of love?"

Jesse shook his head. "No, actually I was trying to discourage her from getting too close to me again. I've been burned too many times by getting caught in the cross-fire with her and her boyfriend Hudson."

"He was that gangly oaf she kissed at Nationals wasn't he? I saw the youtube video. The girl's got questionable taste if she preferred him to you."

Jesse smiled weakly. "Thanks, Shan. It's nice to know at least someone thinks I'm a better catch."

"Wow! You're still in love with her, aren't you? And the girl has no idea." Shandra stopped to give Jesse a warm hug. "It's going to be a strain playing her love interest night after night."

"Don't I know it. At least no one else in the cast knows our history and we've been trying to keep it that way, for the time being anyway. I need to stick it out and do my best. Performing is all I have left, and who knows, maybe after six months or so I'll find it was all just a silly infatuation and she and I will be able to laugh about everything." Jesse tried to sound convincing but he didn't fool himself or Shandra. He'd carried a torch for Rachel far too long for it to be just an infatuation.

"Well, you can always count on me, Jess. I'm glad you told me; sometimes it helps to talk it out and not keep it all hidden inside. And anytime you need me to play the adoring girlfriend, just let me know." Shandra sighed, "I really wish I could come to your opening night; you know I'd be there to lend you my support if I wasn't in my show. But I'll be thinking about you and wishing you all the best. Promise you'll call me afterwards?"

"I promise." Jesse give her a hug back and, by unspoken agreement, the remainder of their conversation turned to the current Broadway gossip.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Once Rachel's horrid weekend had ended, time seemed to speed up. The 'put-in rehearsal' had come and gone with only minor issues to resolve, and suddenly the day of their debut was upon them. With all that was entailed in being ready, Rachel had spent the previous few days concentrating fiercely on nailing her performance and trying to push away all and any distractions. That was not an easy task to accomplish as the hayloft scene rehearsals had been triggering all kinds of memories that Rachel would rather not deal with.

But those memories had also led her to make a comparison of Jesse to Melchior. Jesse had never pressured her for sex or overstepped his boundaries once she had stated them. Physically too, the kisses were different. As Melchior, his kisses were that of an aroused, yet inexperienced, slightly clumsy boy. They were nothing at all like the searing, seductively mind drugging kisses she knew that Jesse, even as a teenager, had been capable of. She was extremely grateful for the difference. It made it easier for her to think of him as Melchior and for her to remain in character as Wendla.

Rachel's hand trembled slightly as she touched up her makeup one last time. The "twenty minutes to curtain" had just been called and the enormity of what tonight could mean for both their careers, was making her heart beat too fast and her body feel cold - almost clammy, inside her period costume. The recollection of how she choked at her first NYADA audition had resurfaced in her head, coloring her thoughts. In desperation, she grabbed her phone to call Kurt. But her phone was dead. Rachel flung it aside in disgust and tried to recall everything Kurt had said just before she had left for the theatre. _Deep Breaths, positive thoughts_, she chanted in her brain, but it wasn't haven't the necessary results. Panic was steadily taking over when all at once there was a knock on her door.

xx

Jesse had debated with himself for at least an hour about whether he should to speak to Rachel before their first show. But it was a losing battle. No matter how often his head told him that he was heading for dangerous waters and needed to keep his distance, his heart told him that Rachel needed his support. He knew only too well how she could work herself into a frenzy by over thinking things; how she would start to second guess her abilities. Yes, she had matured, and yes she had done well at NYADA, but she still had insecurities from her many years of being bullied at school. She just managed to hide those insecurities better now. So it was with a feeling of inevitability that Jesse now found himself knocking on her dressing room door and asking: 'Rachel, can I come in?"

Rachel raced to the door and flung it open. "Jesse!"

Jesse took one look at her frightened face and opened his arms. Rachel needed no further encouragement and flew into them. As he wrapped his arms around her, she burrowed further into his embrace. A tender smile crossed Jesse's face and he rested his chin on the top of her head. He knew he might live to regret this later but his heart had chosen the right thing to do.

"I'm so scared and nervous. What if I forget the words, what if I choke like I did at my NYADA audition? What if I let you down?" Rachel babbled into his shoulder.

"Hush, Rach, you'll be perfect!" His right hand began rubbing her back in her back in comforting in circles. "This is what all the years of training and practice were for; and I'll be right there, either on the stage or in the wings. Remember, your being a star is an inevitability."

As her heart rate slowed and the panic ebbed away Rachel straightened up to look at him. "I'm just so glad you're here. I'm so lucky that you are my leading man. No one could be as good as you are in the role of Melchior." Then she reached up, and taking care not to spoil his stage makeup, she brushed a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you for understanding me so well, and putting up with my crazy moments."

"My pleasure. You wouldn't be Rachel without your crazy moments. I love them." Jesse just barely stopped himself from admitting how much he loved not just her crazy moments but everything about her; trying also to ignore the warm glow that had spread over him at Rachel's words of praise. He took deep breath and deftly changed the subject. "Now, Miss Rachel Barbra Berry, are you ready to show the world what we're capable of?"

"Yes, I believe I am, Mr. St. James." Rachel gave him a confident smile, and hand in hand they made their way to the wings. It was showtime.

XXXX

It had been a special evening; an impressive debut for the two new performers, and everyone in the audience as well as in the cast and crew felt it.

Rachel was still somewhat in a daze as she left the stage after the standing ovations and applause had finally died down. While on stage she was Wendla, and Rachel Berry had ceased to exist. But now, as she began shedding the skin of Wendla, everything was beginning to sink in. She wanted to laugh, she wanted to cry, she wanted to sing, but most of all, she wanted...Her eyes quickly searched for her leading man who had somehow become separated from her as they left the stage, and upon spotting him, she began pushing her way towards him. People parted before her and with a clear path at last, Rachel launched her small frame at Jesse.

Catching her easily, Jesse swung her around in dizzy circles as they both laughed in relief and triumph. Finally he set her down and caught his breath. The cast, who had hung back during their victory twirl, now surged forward again and they were swept along the corridor.

Rachel let out a little scream when she saw her Dads and Kurt approaching and ran to hug them. Only after that did she notice that Madame Tibideaux, and some classmates from NYADA were also there. Her excitement at this point knew no bounds.

Jesse was discreetly drifting away from the circle surrounding her, when he felt someone touch his shoulder. He turned to see Madame Tibideaux surveying him with eyes agleam behind her spectacles.

"Mr. St. James. You have made me deeply regret that we failed to give you a place at NYADA. You gave a superb performance this evening. Well done! I expect further great things from you."

A blush spread over Jesse's cheeks. Madame Tibideaux was known to never give compliments easily; it somewhat made up for many of the failures he'd experienced over the past few years.

"Thank you, Madame Tibideaux, I'll do my best."

"I'm sure you will, Mr. St. James, I'm sure you will. Now, I must go congratulate my star pupil before I take my leave."

As Jesse continued on towards to his dressing room a tiny part of him felt envious that Rachel had a family that supported her. He gave a sigh of regret, then reminded himself that by now he should be used to his dysfunctional family. None of them were interested enough in him to come to or even acknowledge his debut and that wasn't ever likely to change. Jesse shook away his depressing thoughts and, glancing at the flowers Shandra had sent, reminded himself that he did have friends, even if they couldn't be here. As he surveyed the cheery arrangement he suddenly noticed another plant arrangement had been placed on his dressing room table behind it. Walking over, he picked up the card that accompanied it and turned it over to read.

_All the best to my little brother. Knock 'em dead tonight!- Love , Callie_

Jesse choked back an unexpected sob. He and Callie had never been close as children, but he had been making an effort to change that over the past couple of years. Her life had taken a turn for the better when she had moved to Canada, and happily she had made great strides in conquering her eating disorder. Although they talked or emailed each other at least twice a month now, this was the first time that she had actively reached out to him, to support him. It made his feelings of family abandonment lessen considerably. He would give her a call tomorrow to thank her and let her know all went well.

After sending off a text to Shandra with a promise to call her later, Jesse then sent a few quick texts to other friends before he began methodically and thoroughly to remove his theatrical makeup. Jesse was just finishing up when he was interrupted by the arrival of Kurt Hummel.

"That was one of the most exciting theatre experiences I've had in a long time! You and Rachel were brilliant! I mean I knew you two were already very good, but tonight you two really nailed it. Tonight I saw only Melchior and Wendla on stage, no sign of St. James or Berry."

Adopting a quieter tone, Kurt added. "I know it can't be easy for you doing some of those scenes, but I'm glad it's you in that role. I'm glad you've stuck it out." He paused for a moment, wondering how Jesse would respond to his next words.

"I realize that given the circumstances, this may not appeal to you, but Rachel, her Dads and I are celebrating and **all** of us would really like it if you joined us. We've got reservations at a nearby restaurant."

Kurt awaited Jesse's reply with interest. He didn't know what had happened tonight but Rachel had been 'Jesse this' and 'Jesse that' for much of the time Kurt had talked to her after the performance_._ He hadn't seen her that happy in a long time_._

Jesse slowly put away the last of his makeup while he decided on what to say. Since Kurt already knew more than anyone else about the situation, he decided to be frank."I sincerely appreciate the invitation, Kurt, but honestly, I don't think I'm up for that tonight. I really need time to process everything and I need a bit of emotional distance right now in order to find some kind of balance. Maybe another time?_"_

Kurt regarded Jesse thoughtfully then nodded with understanding. "Fair enough. We'll take a rain check tonight, but I'll keep you to that promise._"  
_

**A/N **We get to see a tipsy Rachel in the next chapter. :-)


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N Okay, I admit it was a lot of fun writing the first part of this chapter. ****Hope you all enjoy!**

**Interesting fact: **_Champagne tends to hit the bloodstream quicker than wine due to the carbonation. Champagne's effects (especially when drank rapidly) register much faster on the brain than the same amount of wine would.**  
**_

_**Chapter 10**_

Jesse was just pocketing his phone and wallet when he heard the door opening again. He sighed quietly in frustration; at this rate he was never going to get out of the building. He turned towards the door and his heart sank as he saw that this time it was Rachel who was invading his solitude. A further quick glance revealed that she was trying to balance two glasses - of what looked to be champagne, while she attempted to push the door shut behind her.

"Jess..seee! Kurt says you don't want to come with us 'cause you're too tired, but you have to have a celebrer...celebra..tory glass of bubbly with me!"

Rachel had evidently already had a couple of glasses of the bubbly, Jesse noted as he swiftly rescued a glass that was in danger of slipping from her fingers. He had never seen a tipsy Rachel before and admittedly he was rather fascinated. However, his good manners quickly resurfaced. "Maybe you should sit down, Rachel. Are you sure you should have another glass?"

Rachel ignored his suggestion of sitting, and looked perplexedly first at his glass, then at hers. "You can help me drink mine too, if you like." she offered generously.

Although he wasn't a big fan of champagne (it was so overrated as far as he was concerned, not to mention the headache it always gave him), Jesse dutifully clinked his glass to hers before draining the contents quickly. Then in a spirit of self-sacrifice, he reached for hers and resignedly drained it too.

"Jess, I've been thinking." Rachel, freed from her liquid burden, had now advanced fully into his personal space and was looking up at him with wide eyed earnestness.

"Thinking about what?" Jesse used the excuse of setting the glasses down to retreat a little, but Rachel simply moved in closer.

"Remember when we came home from the Wiggles concert and we started making out?" Rachel was now wrapping her arms loosely around Jesse's waist.

"Uh-huh." Jesse tried to keep his voice neutral and reserved but the champagne, combined with Rachel's actions, was making that difficult to achieve. Now was most definitely not the time that he wanted to be reminded of them making out on her bed.

Rachel carried on, apparently completely unaware of Jesse's discomfiture; her mind firmly set on sharing her recent epiphany."This musical has taught me so much! I'm sorry I was so clueless. I mean, that night I really didn't realize that inviting you to my bedroom with my Dads away would send all the wrong signals. I thought you just wanted to sing with me again." Rachel giggled, "Boy was I stupid!"

Her face took an even rosier glow than what the alcohol had given her as she continued "You must have thought I was a tease, and even if you were left uhm…" she turned her face and mumbled the next bit into his chest embarrassedly,"unsatisfied; you still stopped when I said no. You could have been selfish like Melchior, but you weren't. You...you are a good man, Jesse St. James!" Rachel declared fervently and proceeded to tighten her arms around him. "Shandra is so lucky. I wish I was Shandra." and she snuggled into his chest.

Jesse froze. He was in a quandary as to what to do about Rachel; in her alcohol induced haze she was completely oblivious to the irony of her words when combined with her current actions. Jesse had already been walking an emotional tightrope all day, and Rachel was now rapidly wearing down his impaired self-control. If he didn't move away soon, he'd likely do something they'd both regret later. But if he pushed her away, she'd probably think she repulsed him and her self-esteem would plummet. Or she'd believe that he hated her (which was patently untrue) but Rachel went for the extremes, the dramatic. Every option Jesse came up with could lead to disaster in their future performances. So basically, no matter what he did, he was in the words of the song "Totally F**ked."

He tried to gently disengage her enough to at least get some breathing space before his body betrayed him but soon discovered that Rachel had attached herself to him with the tenacity of a burr to fur. Fortunately, Kurt chose that moment to show up looking for his missing friend and Jesse greeted his timely arrival with an enormous sense of relief.

Kurt took one look and shook his head. "Sorry about that, I forgot she likely hadn't had much to eat before the performance. We should have eaten first before popping the champagne. As you may have surmised by now, Rachel doesn't handle large quantities of alcohol all that well and she gets rather clingy when she's drunk."

At that comment Rachel immediately unwound herself from Jesse and turned to glare at Kurt. "I am not clingy!" Then she bit her lip nervously and glanced back at Jesse pleadingly. "I'm not drunk and I'm not clingy, am I Jesse?"

"No, no of course not." Jesse tried desperately to keep a straight face and repress the laughter bottled inside, but one look at Kurt's raised eyebrow and he lost it.

Rachel promptly punched his shoulder and turned away in a huff. "Hummel, I no longer wish to speak with Mr. St. James, I think we should go."

"Yes, that's probably a good idea, your Dads are waiting and if we don't hurry we'll be late for our reservation," Kurt smoothly agreed as he placed a steadying arm around Rachel so that she could make a somewhat dignified exit. "Good-night, Jesse."

"Good-night Kurt, Rachel." Once Jesse was no longer at risk of doing something idiotic (like kissing Rachel senseless) he was able to fully enjoy the humor of the situation and he headed home with a grin still on his face.

Awakening the next morning after a fitful sleep, and with a headache, he didn't find it quite so amusing. His disrupted sleep he blamed partly on the champagne and the rest on Rachel. What exactly did she mean when she'd said she wished she was Shandra? How much of her words and actions were true and how much were just the product of too much alcohol? Aside from that, the dynamics of their off stage relationship seemed to have shifted just prior to their performance and Jesse was at a loss as to just where it was headed. It was all getting way too complicated for his liking. Thank goodness he had until Saturday to try and make some sense of it all.

But by Saturday morning, Jesse was still no closer to figuring out what he would be facing at the theater later that day. Finally, he couldn't stand it any longer and sent a text to Kurt.

"How's R?"

The reply came sooner than expected. "Yesterday? Hungover. 2day, ok."

"Has R said anything?" Jesse was pretty sure Kurt would know what he was really asking.

"No. Says CRAT after 2nd glass. She's asked me," there was a pause and then another text. "but I just said she'd shared some bubbly with U B4 we left 2 eat." Kurt didn't add that he didn't fully believe in Rachel's alcohol induced amnesia, but if that was the way she wanted to play it, he'd respect that. It was probably for the best right now anyway.

"OK. THX. TTYL."

Jesse was relieved. Even if Rachel did remember, it appeared she was going to pretend nothing occurred. He would take his cues from her and with a bit of luck, things could go back to normal. He quickly stifled the ridiculous feeling of disappointment that also accompanied that thought.

xxx

Rachel had awoken the morning after their debut feeling somewhat worse for wear. Kurt had thoughtfully left a large glass of water and a couple of painkillers on the nightstand, which she'd immediately chugged down and then she'd vowed to never drink like that again. It had been while she was taking a long warm shower that her interactions with Jesse came into focus with humiliating clarity. What must he think of her? What would she say the next time they met? She had been so relieved when she remembered she was merely on standby that evening with Jeffrey. With no need to see Jesse until their next performance on Saturday, it had given her plenty of time to perfect her "I was so drunk, I remember nothing" alibi/excuse. It was the only way to carry on normally as far as she could see. But the first person she had needed to convince of her memory loss had been Kurt. That had been a true test of her acting abilities.

And so the Saturday had come and gone with Rachel and Jesse pretending that the incident had never happened. But something had changed ever so slightly; they achieved a camaraderie that had previously been lacking. It was completely platonic, and offstage they both kept a polite distance physically, but the atmosphere between them had eased that night of their first performance.

As the weeks passed Rachel knew she should just be glad that they were now friends; that they could once again discuss/argue about the merits of various musicals and songs, and share bits and pieces of their lives since they'd arrived in New York. But they never discussed their past (not even Jeffrey's tenacious efforts were able to pry a word from either of them), and the topic of relationships was still a taboo subject. Also, since Jesse now had a girlfriend, Rachel saw no point in informing him that she and Finn had broken up, and she forbade Jeffrey from disclosing it.

Rachel told herself she should be happy and contented with what she had and she tried, she really did. On stage she maintained her character and Jesse maintained his. But even though Melchior was so different from Jesse, Melchior's scent was still Jesse's, and his mouth still tasted like Jesse's. His body pressed against hers was Jesse's, and no amount of acting could change that. At night her dreams were increasingly invaded by Jesse and her body longed for his touch. It was as if he was an infection that she couldn't cure; a magnet that she couldn't resist. She wanted to be Jesse's girl in every sense of the word; but he belonged to Shandra. The distress Rachel now felt when imagining Jesse with Shandra was the worst she'd ever known. The idea of Jesse, at some future date, getting married to Shandra or anyone else made Rachel physically ill. She gained an entirely new perspective on how Jesse must have felt when she had become engaged to Finn.

So despite the applause of the fans, the acclaim of the critics, the joy of performing, and her friendship with Jesse, Rachel was quietly, deeply, unhappy. There was a growing realization that becoming a star without sharing her life completely with the man she loved, was going to be a somewhat hollow achievement.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N. Thank you for the lovely reviews! Also hello to my new followers and those that have added the story to their fav list. I'm posting a day early for you all.  
**

**Chapter 11**

The weeks flew by and soon it was the week before Finn was due to move back to Ohio. Kurt and Finn were attacking the giant pizza from their favorite take away, when suddenly Finn asked "Could we go see Rachel in her musical this weekend?"

In the middle of swallowing, Kurt nearly choked on his bite of pizza. Some minutes later, after the coughing spasm had stopped, he croaked "Pardon me, but did you just say you wanted to go see Rachel perform? I thought you didn't ever want to see her in the role of Wendla."

"Yeah, I know. But since we broke up and moved on, I think I can handle it. I kind of feel I owe it to her. You said she's doing really well in the part didn't you?"

Kurt nodded his head affirmatively. "Yes, she is. There's been really good word of mouth and there's been great reviews of her performance." He didn't dare add that not just Rachel's performance, but also Jesse's and the chemistry between the two leads was what was generating the great word of mouth and glowing reviews. So all he said was "It's becoming the hot ticket again on Broadway."

Kurt reached for his drink to buy some time while he decided what to do. Should he pretend that he couldn't get tickets? Should he try to convince Finn that he'd rather do something else the last weekend Finn was here? Finn could be a bit slow on the uptake at times but even Finn would smell a rat. He knew Kurt lived and breathed the theatre and he'd never turn down an opportunity to see Rachel perform.

Finn prodded some more. "But you've got connections, right? And besides didn't Rachel say she'd always have tickets for us for her shows?"

Deciding it was best just come clean Kurt finally replied. "Yes, I can get us tickets. But promise me you'll behave and not ruin things for her."

"Why would I ruin things? I told you, I'm okay with her playing in the musical. It will be a little uncomfortable, but it's not like it will be a surprise. I saw the show before, just not with her in it." Finn gazed at Kurt with a very puzzled look on his face.

"Yes, well it's just that there is something you need to know."

"She's dating her leading man? I knew it! Wait, I thought you said he was gay?"

"No. She's not dating her leading man. She's concentrating on her career. But the guy who was supposed to be her leading man had to leave the show, andhe'sbeenreplacedbyJesseStJames." Kurt fairly rattled off that last part, and waited for Finn's reaction. It didn't take too long. Finn seemed to have acute hearing when it came to anything with Jesse or St. James in a sentence.

"What?! Jesse St. Jerk is her leading man?" Finn's knuckles went white as his hand tightened on his bottle of beer. "How did that happen? And why did no one mention it to me?"

"Maybe because you didn't allow any talk about the show? Maybe because every time Rachel tried to tell you something about the show or her castmates you'd refuse to listen? Besides you and Rachel broke up, it's really not your concern anymore, Finn."

"It is! He's a jerk and he'll hurt her."

"No, I don't believe he will."

"He did before! And he lied."

Kurt stood up and going his desk, grabbed his notes clipboard and a pen. He returned and slapped the clipboard down in front of Finn. "I want you to do a comparison. I want you to first of all list all the times you hurt Rachel or lied to her, Finn."

"Are you serious?!"

"Yes. Just do it. You can eat and write at the same time, I've seen you." Kurt joked somewhat feebly in an effort to lighten the tension in the air between them .

"Fine!" Finn grabbed the pen and began writing. Finally he stopped.

Kurt leaned over and read the list. "Pretty good, you got most of the biggies, although you forgot breaking up with Rachel when she thought she was on her way to marry you."

"But that was for her own good!"

"Yes it turned out to be for her own good, but the way you did it really sucked. Rachel was hurt very badly by that. Oh, and you forgot spoiling her junior prom by that stupid confrontational fight with Jesse, which you started."

"He was getting handsy with her!"

"Quinn was your girlfriend, not Rachel; it was none of your business." Kurt replied patiently as if talking to a child. "Rachel was perfectly capable of handling Jesse. She was actually laughing and having a good time until you butted in. But what's done is done. Now, I want you to list on the other side, all the times Jesse has hurt Rachel or lied to her."

Finn eagerly turned over the sheet and began to write. After two items, he stopped. A frown creased his brow and he went to write but again stopped. Jesse had lied to Rachel as to why he joined New Directions, and he had egged her, but Finn couldn't think of anything else. All the other nasty things he could think of involved Jesse's opinion of members of New Directions, particularly Finn himself. Another five minutes passed and nothing else was written.

'Okay, okay. I get it. I've got no reason to talk." Finn looked down at his last piece of pizza and put it back in the box and mumbled. "I just don't like him."

"And did you ever stop to think just why that is? That maybe it's because you know he understands and believes in Rachel in a way that you never can? That he is a far better match for her and therefore he was your only real competition for Rachel Berry's heart?"

'Why are you sticking up for him? I thought you detested him too? " Finn asked in a wounded voice.

"I've had time to get to know him a bit, and some time to think over the past. Yes, Jesse was arrogant, and he could be cutting and cruel to New Directions, but none of us were exactly kind or supportive to Rachel back then. He was really the only one who always stood up for her. Plus, let's just say that I know things he's done in behalf of Rachel that not even she knows about. I also know that he has not made any moves on her whatsoever in the time they've been working together. My informants and Rachel have all told me that. He's been considerate and completely professional. He thinks you and Rachel are still an item and he has respected that."

"So, that means I've got to be mature and be polite to him." Finn grumbled.

"Even if it kills you to do so. Even if he insults you, which considering your past encounters, is more than possible."

Finn suddenly frowned as recalled his last personal encounter with St. James. "Actually, the last time we met at our final Nationals, he was very polite. Offered his congratulations on the engagement and shook my hand. It really weirded me out. "

"As much as you may dislike the guy, and I'm certain the feeling is mutual, when it comes to Rachel all he wants is for her to be a success and to be happy. So, do you still want to go the show on the weekend?"

Finn thought for a moment, and then nodded. "Yeah, I still do. I need to do this. To see Rachel where she belongs. Just don't tell her ahead of time okay? Can we get good seats without being too close to the stage, I don't want her to know we're there and freak her out."

"I'll see what I can do." Kurt promised, all the while wondering how to give Jesse a heads up like he'd agreed to. Finally he decided that he'd send a timed text. That way Jesse wouldn't know until right after the final curtain call. He didn't want Finn's presence to have any impact on the night's performance itself.

xxx

Jesse returned to his dressing room, exhilarated as usual from performing in front of an appreciative audience, but he paled slightly when he saw the text from Kurt. He started reviewing his choices. If he got changed fast enough and out the door to sign autographs, he figured it would prevent him from saying something nasty should the giant cretin show up backstage. Also, if he was in the presence of his adoring fans it would lessen the likelihood of any physical fighting. (Not that Jesse was overly concerned about a physical fight. He was much quicker and more agile than Finn, and taking Capoeira dance had only served to improve his fluidity and movement skills.) On the other hand, if Hudson was going to cause a scene with Rachel, Jesse felt he should stand by in case he needed to step in and to make sure that Rachel was okay.

So Jesse changed quickly, and only did a cursory removal of his makeup. A short time later he was opening his door and peering out to take stock of the current situation. Rachel was standing outside her dressing room chatting with Jeffrey, oblivious to the fact that Kurt and Finn Hudson were walking towards her. He immediately tensed and watched with bated breath to see what would happen. After witnessing Rachel's initial shock, (she had obviously not known about Finn's being at the show) Jesse waited for Finn's reaction. Frustratingly, as hard as he strained his ears, he was unable to understand what was being said. However, when it became obvious by the smile on Rachel's face and the hug the two exchanged that all was well in the Finchel universe, Jesse turned away. He had no need to see their further displays of public affection. With a heart that felt like lead, he retrieved his satchel and set off to meet his fans at the stage door.

But he hadn't gone more than a dozen steps when he was halted by Hudson's voice.

"St. James, wait!"


	12. Chapter 12

.

Chapter 12

"St. James, wait!"

Jesse stopped and slowly turned; Finn Hudson was lumbering down the hallway towards him. Numerous sarcastic words sprang immediately to Jesse's mind, all fighting to burst forth from his lips, but Jesse firmly bit them back. He would be "the better man." **He** would not be the one to cause an embarrassing scene for Rachel, no matter what he thought of Finn. He'd done it before, he could do it again.

"Hey, I just wanted to say you were really good, better than the last guy I saw in the part. And" Finn struggled for the words; St. James always managed to make him feel awkward and stupid, even when the other man was not speaking. Finn frowned momentarily then regrouped his thoughts and continued.

"Look, it's like this. New York isn't right for me, but I know that here is where Kurt and Rachel belong. I'm going back to Ohio for good. Now, Kurt says that you always have Rachel's best interests at heart, and so I'm going to trust him on that. I guess what I mean to say is look out for her, okay?" At that Finn extended his hand.

Bemusedly, Jesse shook hands with Finn Hudson, while a part of him wondered if this was some ploy on Finn's part to impress Rachel. He looked around to locate her and saw her pushing through the crowd and hurrying towards them.

"Don't you dare turn this into junior prom, Finn Hudson! Don't you dare lay a hand on Jesse! He's been a perfect gentleman and he's done absolutely nothing outside of what his role requires him to do on stage." Rachel's eyes were flashing with anger as she inserted herself between the two. With her petite body protecting Jesse as best she could, and her hands clenched ready for battle, she was like a mother hen fiercely protecting her young.

"I wasn't Rachel, I promise."

"He wasn't." Jesse said at nearly the same time.

Rachel looked dubiously first at Finn, then Jesse. "Really?"

"Really. I was just telling Jesse he was very good as Melchior and that I was moving back to Ohio."

"Oh." Rachel seemed very nonplussed by Finn's words.

"Well...well, good! But so help me Finn Hudson, if you do or say anything bad to Jesse, I swear by Streisand, I will never ever speak to you again. Got it?"

"Got it." Finn grinned lop-lopsidedly at his ex-girlfriend and saluted her.

Rachel gave him one more glare then reluctantly walked over to the stage manager who had been trying to get her attention (but she still kept her eyes trained on Finn and Jesse.)

"So, I gather you two broke up again?"

"Yeah, several months ago. You mean you really didn't know?" Finn was surprised.

"I only see Rachel when we are at the theatre or when some of us go out as a group. Anyway, you two break up all the time, what difference does it make." Jesse shrugged indifferently but the tinge of bitterness in his voice betrayed his true feelings.

Finn went quiet and studied Jesse carefully for a moment before he resumed speaking. "Rachel and I broke up when she moved here to New York. Sure we both sort of figured that, after we were older and I knew what I wanted to do in life, that we'd get back together - but it hasn't worked out that way. We were only together for a short time again when we realized that it wouldn't ever work. We are just too different. So, we're friends but we're not in love with each other anymore. And if you two..." Finn swallowed hard, this was the tough part. "If you two become an item, well, I'll be okay with that. You understand her better than I ever will. I guess deep down I always knew you were right for her, and I think maybe she's good for you." With that, Finn walked away.

XX

When Finn had showed up with Kurt after the Saturday night performance, all Rachel could think of was to protect Jesse from Finn's anger. Even though she and Finn were no longer an item, she knew his dislike of Jesse ran very deep and so, to see Finn head straight for Jesse had made her frantic with worry. That her fears were apparently unfounded had left her bewildered, relieved yet also emotionally drained; it had therefore been relatively easy to turn down Kurt and Finn's invitation to join them for the remainder of their boys night out.

She hated to disappoint her fans however, so she quickly changed clothes and went out to sign autographs. With the last one signed she then returned to her dressing room to remove her makeup. Another half hour passed before she stepped through the stage door again and into the street.

"So, 'swear by Streisand,' I'm impressed." Jesse's amused voice halted her in her tracks. "Although, I'm not too sure that Hudson understood the gravity of that vow."

Rachel swung around in surprise. Jesse was leaning against the opposite wall near the stage door and watching her. "Jesse! What are you still doing here?"

"Just making sure you were okay. I got the distinct impression that you weren't expecting to see Hudson here."

"You're right, it was a total surprise considering he had been so opposed to me taking this role. But it's nice to know he can finally be mature enough to accept my career decisions."

"And you're okay about him moving back to Ohio?"

"Of course. Relieved actually. He was miserable here. Back in Ohio he'll be much happier and hopefully he'll find the right girl and settle down."

Jesse was still attempting to wrap his mind around the concept that Finn and Rachel had broken up and neither of them (on the surface at least) seemed to be heartbroken or pining for the other, when Rachel continued.

"Some dreams aren't dreams, they are an inevitability, just like you said. Being in this show, staring on Broadway, this is real, it's meant to be. But some dreams are just childish daydreams, and they are best left where they belong - in the past."

His curiosity rekindled, Jesse blurted out "So what does Rachel Berry dream of now?"

Rachel felt the blush suffuse her face and was more than a little thankful for the dim street lighting. She wanted to say "You. Just you, only you." But she didn't have that right. So instead she abruptly changed the subject.

"Are you coming to see me at Joe's Pub tomorrow night?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world."

Rachel beamed in pleasure which dimmed somewhat when Jesse added."Shandra and a couple of our friends are coming too."

"Oh, that's...nice." Rachel tried to infuse some enthusiasm into her voice but it was difficult when all she really wanted to do was burst into tears. Instead, she bridled her emotions and asked tentatively, "Would you sing at least one song with me there?"

"Sure. I thought you'd never ask. Got anything in particular in mind?"

Rachel was more than a little pleased. She had been so sure Jesse would turn her down as, other than during their performances in the musical, they had yet to sing any duets together. It was something she had sorely missed."I've got a few ideas. Walk me to the subway and we can discuss them."

xxx

Jesse returned home much later that evening than he had expected to. Somehow the walk to the subway had taken a detour and he and Rachel had ended up at a small bistro to discuss their upcoming duet. Ideas had been tossed around, debated, and in a relatively short time, narrowed down to a few contenders. Rachel had then decided that they should try them out immediately, cheekily reminding him how he'd once said how important it was to give back. Before he knew it, they were standing on a street corner doing impromptu acapella versions of their selected songs.

It had been exhilarating and fun, and surprisingly profitable (not that they had planned on singing for money, and they had immediately donated the money to a less fortunate soul). But now he was home and his brain and heart were in major conflict. The time spent with Rachel over the past two hours had reminded him of just how happy he could be in her company; how much he needed her in his life. His heart desperately wanted to believe that Rachel was finally over Finn for good, but his mind promptly reminded him of his past experiences. In fact, now that he knew about Finn and Rachel's breakup it clarified for him why there had been an air of unhappiness about Rachel lately - a wistful melancholy. Also, he'd noticed and been concerned that she'd been losing weight recently. In hindsight it appeared to have started around the time she and Finn must have broken up and he couldn't help but think the changes were due to that. She was pining over Finn, even if she didn't want to admit it, and tonight she'd just been putting on a brave front.

Jesse threaded his hands through his hair in frustration. Rachel was his emotional Achilles heel. Why couldn't he just forget her and get on with his life? Why did he end up torturing himself with maybes and what ifs? He decided he needed to speak to Kurt. First thing in the morning, he'd text and see if Kurt wanted to sit with Jesse and his friends for Rachel's performance. Somehow, during the evening, he'd make an opportunity to talk with Kurt and find out just what was going on with Rachel.

**A/N I would have never written Finn this way in season 3, but in season 4 he seems to slowly be getting some maturity and a few more brain cells, so I was much kinder than I usually am. **


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Once again thanks for the reviews and support. **

Chapter 13 (Monday night at Joe's Pub.)

Rachel had opted to begin her set with three of her favorite Streisand's songs. As the last song ended she gazed around the room waiting for the applause to die down and looked fondly at her friends who had taken up all the nearest tables. Jesse was sitting with Shandra and another couple she didn't recognize. Surprisingly, Kurt had also joined them.

As the applause receded, she gathered her wandering thoughts. "Thank you so much and thank you for allowing me to pay homage to my personal inspiration. Now, as my friends in the audience are aware, it's been a goal of mine since I was a little girl to be on the Broadway stage, and so, getting to play Wendla has been a dream come true for me. But I owe a great deal of my success in the role to having a brilliant leading man, Jesse St. James, who just happens to be here tonight."

Rachel waited once again for the applause to die down, and then continued. "And who I've persuaded to sing a duet with me. Jesse if you would?"

More applause ensued, and someone in the audience yelled "_The Guilty Ones_, and we want the hayloft scene too!"

Rachel laughed and shook her head, a blush tinged her cheeks.

Jesse grabbed his mike and said with a grin "Sorry everyone, we will not be doing anything from Spring Awakening tonight, and I do mean anything." His words were greeted with laughter and a few good-natured boos.

Jesse then became more serious. "This song is from a musical Rachel and I have discovered a mutual love for. The musical is _Once_ and the song is _Falling Slowly_."

As always, when Jesse and Rachel sang together, they got caught up in the music and everything else faded away. It was only the thunderous applause and cries for 'more' at the end of the song that brought them back to reality. Rachel leaned over to ask Jesse if he'd like to sing another duet or maybe a solo for the encore that the audience was demanding of them, but her eyes widened in surprise when he whispered in her ear. She leaned further in to give him a hug, then she motioned for him to speak.

"Thank you. It's always a pleasure to sing with Rachel, but this is Rachel's night, and since" Jesse paused dramatically. "I'm performing here next month, you'll have to come back then for an encore performance." With that announcement delivered he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and went back to his seat.

The rest of Rachel's set was a mix of show tunes, and pop ballads. Finally it was time for her last song. Rachel had debated the wisdom of singing this particular song, one that she had recently written about her love for Jesse, but her heart had overruled her head. Feeling very vulnerable, and somewhat scared about baring her soul to him like this in public, Rachel began the first verse with her eyes closed, then opened them and gazed off into the distance.

**1st verse:**

_I remember when you were mine,_

_our love was so effortless and easy, _

_that we both ignored the warning signs._

_For a love built on only half-truths _

_couldn't stand the test of time._

_And a love taken for granted _

_wouldn't stay forever mine._

**Chorus:**

_Now when I see you every day_

_you're an aching reminder_

_of all that I threw away._

_I wish I could erase the past,_

_go back to our first "Hello."_

_But it's too late now;_

_too late for new beginnings_.

But as Rachel finished the last line of the chorus, she was struck by the possibility that Jesse might still misinterpret the song's meaning and who she was singing about. So as the band moved into the second verse, she bravely fixed her gaze on Jesse and sang straight from her heart to him.

**2nd verse**

_You always believed in me,_

_loving me just as I was - no changes;_

_but I was living in a fantasy._

_Too afraid to trust my feelings,  
_

_I hurt you time after time._

_Chasing after my illusion,_

___I was so completely blind._  


**_Bridge:_**

_When I finally came to my senses,_

_realized you were the only one, _

_you'd finally moved on without me_

_found someone more worthy of your love.  
_

_Now all I have left is my memories _

_And a hope that you'll someday see_

_that I truly love you now_

_ and I will for eternity. _

**Chorus:**

_Now when I see you every day_

_you're an aching reminder_

_of all that I threw away._

_I wish I could erase the past,_

_go back to our first "Hello."_

_But it's too late now;_

_too late for new beginnings._

All evening Shandra had been carefully observing not only Rachel but also the interaction between Rachel and Jesse. The harmony that flowed between them, not just in their voices, but in their bodies and in their banter during their duet was truly fascinating. And when Rachel sang her last song, totally laying bare her love for Jesse, Shandra was moved to tears.

She wasn't the only one; Jesse was a mess. It was there in the stiffness of his shoulders, the white knuckled grip he had on his drink, and the way he had quickly looked down when the song had ended. Shandra darted a quick glance around their table and caught Kurt also observing Jesse's reactions carefully. As everyone rose to their feet in applause, she further noted with interest how Kurt somehow managed to step in front of Jesse as if to shield him from view. Perhaps in Kurt she had found a fellow romanticist and an ally in her newly formed decision to play matchmaker for Jesse and Rachel?

A crowd gathered around Rachel afterwards, and although Jesse stayed long enough to congratulate her, he soon was pulling Shandra towards the exit. He'd had no opportunity to get a private word with Kurt all evening and now, with Rachel's last song seared into his brain, he was in no condition to linger and talk.

"So, that last song Rachel sang...what are you going to do about it, Jesse?" Shandra inquired after they had walked a couple of blocks in complete silence.

"Do? What do you mean?" Jesse desperately wanted to believe that Rachel chosen, perhaps she'd even written, that song (he'd certainly never heard it before), expressly for him, but his sense of self-preservation was too deeply embedded to immediately let him; not to mention that right now he was far too emotionally affected to think straight.

"Are you utterly dense, St. James? Rachel Berry is totally in love with you. You can't have missed the way she looked at you when she sang that song? Not to mention the words and the emotion she infused into them."

"Rachel was just giving a performance; it helps to focus on someone in the audience, you know that. That's all it was." Jesse dismissed Shandra's words quickly, trying to hide how completely shaken he had been by Rachel's performance."She's a very good actress," he added weakly.

Shandra just shook her head in disbelief and muttered "clueless men" under her breath. She knew Jesse was in love with Rachel and obviously Rachel was in love with Jesse. He just refused to see or rather, he refused to believe it. Convincing him was definitely going to require enlisting some help.

She stopped suddenly as if just remembering something. "Oh! Do you happen to have Kurt Hummel's phone number? He said he'd take me shopping to help me update my look, but I forgot to get his number."

"Sure. Just a minute." Jesse was extremely grateful for the change in topic, so he handed over Kurt's number without giving the request any further thought.

Shandra hid a smile. With a little bit of planning, and a little bit of luck, her best friend was finally going to find the happiness he deserved.

_xxx  
_

Kurt was still chatting after the show with Rachel and some other friends when he received the text.

_Kurt, it's Shandra. We need to talk asap!_

_What about?_ He quickly texted back.

_Getting our 2 star x'd lovers 2gether._

Kurt eyebrows rose in surprise, and he signaled Jeffrey to come over._  
_

"Jeffrey, would you make sure Rachel gets home okay? Tell her something important came up that I need to take care of."

"Of course. No problem." Jeffrey was thrilled. After that last angst filled song, his curiosity was now practically killing him. If he played his cards right, Rachel just might confide in him on the way home about that song and her history with Jesse.

'Great, I owe you one." With that, Kurt swiftly left the building and, as soon as he was well away from the venue, he called Shandra.

**A/N Yes, well, writing songs is likely never going to be a career for me, but I thought that since canon has established that Rachel writes songs, it seemed fitting to have her write one for Jesse.** **I promise everyone that the angsty bits are almost over**, **so hang in there**!


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: As always I appreciate everyone's insight and reviews so much, and if I haven't pm'd you yet, I will. A shout out here to those like Bekah, Lynne25, Lady Darlings and anyone else who I cannot pm with thanks directly.  
**

Chapter 14

When Rachel got the call from Kurt the next morning, insisting that she meet him for breakfast at their favorite cafe, she was somewhat surprised. However, it was nothing compared to the shock of walking through the door of the cafe and finding not just Kurt at their favorite table, but Shandra too.

After a night of tossing and turning Rachel had reached the conclusion that it had been a huge mistake baring her heart and soul in public last night. After her set, Jesse had barely said two sentences to her before he and Shandra had quickly departed; leaving Rachel feeling full of doubt, remorse and shame. The realization that she'd possibly ruined, not only her friendship but also her working relationship with Jesse forever, was eating away at her. Added to that, she felt she owed Shandra an explanation or an apology and reassurance that she wasn't trying to steal her boyfriend. Or maybe she could convince Shandra that it had all been part of the performance? Although she had awoken knowing that she'd need to talk to the other girl, she certainly hadn't been prepared to have to do it so soon.

A bewildered Rachel made her way over to sit with them; all the while her eyes were shooting rapid darts of unspoken questions at her best friend. Kurt smiled encouragingly as Rachel sat down. "I've already ordered your favorite breakfast for you. It should be here any minute. Now, Shandra has some very interesting information that you really need to hear."

xx

By the time Rachel had reached Jesse's apartment building a couple of hours later, she had built herself up into a state of righteous rage. She didn't remember much of her trip, nor did she pay the slightest attention to the architectural beauty of the old building she was now entering; she was completely focused on giving one Jesse St. James a piece of her mind. With Shandra's assurance that Jesse was home (awaiting Shandra's prearranged visit), Rachel was now arriving in her stead. Following the other girl's precise instructions, Rachel had no difficulty reaching her destination or in obtaining access, and at last she was standing in front of Jesse's apartment door. Rachel paused to take a deep breath then, inserting the key Shandra had given her, she unlocked it and turned the knob.

Jesse had had a terrible night. Rachel's song had played in a relentless, unending loop in his brain; the words demanding that he listen to what she was telling him. Finally he had given up on sleep, and at dawn he dragged himself out of bed and headed for the shower. Jesse resolved that as soon as he'd dealt with Shandra's emergency, he would phone Rachel and they would have an honest, soul baring talk. Jesse was just heading towards the kitchen for more coffee in an attempt to get his sleep deprived brain to function when he heard the door unlock. "Hey Shandra, what's happened? What was so important you had to see me rig..." Jesse words died in his throat as the cause of his insomnia strode through the door and into his foyer.

"Rachel? What are"

But Rachel didn't allow him to finish his sentence. "You!" she seethed "Lied to me! You let me believe that Shandra was your girlfriend! Do you have any idea of the agony you've put me through?"

With every word she spoke, Rachel angrily prodded Jesse's chest with her finger. and instinctively he retreated. He had never seen Rachel this furious. Before Jesse knew it the back of his legs had hit the sofa and he could go no further.

Rachel knew she was out of control, but she didn't care; the past few months had been hell. "I don't eat properly; I can't sleep properly. The other night you asked me what I dreamed about now? Well the answer is YOU. I can't get YOU out of my heart or my head! Thinking about you and Shandra together, makes me physically ill and tears me apart every single day! But I respected the fact that you were in a relationship." She gave Jesse a push and he fell back onto the sofa. "But you're not are you?" Rachel demanded.

Jesse dipped his head somewhat guiltily. "No. And, I never exactly said that I was. Shandra is a girl and my best friend, but she's not my '_girlfriend.'_ I don't have a girlfriend." Jesse was still trying to grasp the fact that Rachel was jealous, that she had been losing sleep and weight over him, not Finn, when Rachel straddled him and locked her lips on his… and it was fireworks, and meteors and he wondered if the world was ending, and dear God what a way to go! He was only vaguely aware that Rachel had ripped open his shirt but sanity returned rapidly when she bit him. Jesse pulled together his scattered thoughts and grasping Rachel's shoulders, firmly pushed her away. "Rachel, no!"

Rachel stared back at him in shock and dismay for a moment and then all the energy and the anger seemed to ebb out of her. "I'm sorry." The tears started running down her face, and she gazed brokenheartedly at him. "I shouldn't have done that." She tried ineffectually to re-button his shirt, but her fingers seemed suddenly thick and clumsy; they refused to work properly.

"I know I don't deserve another chance from you. I already used them all up when I stupidly threw them away because of Finn. You were right, there is something more important than fame and I finally figured that out, but it's too late. I've hurt you too many times. It's not surprising you don't believe me; that you don't want..." She motioned vaguely to herself and then to Jesse's still partially bared chest, "even to have revenge sex with me."

Jesse quickly reached out and cupped her face in his hands, gently brushing away her tears with his thumbs. "I don't want to have just sex with you, Rach. I want to make love to you and with you; we can save the hot, angry sex for another time, okay? I don't want our first time to be in anger. I want it to be slow and sweet; the way I've dreamed about for years. I love you. I was going to call you this morning, right after I'd dealt with Shandra's urgent problem, to ask if you really meant those words in the song, and if we could try again." He tugged Rachel back into his arms and rested his chin on the top of her head while his right hand gently stroked her hair. "For so long I just didn't think you'd ever feel the same way; that you'd ever want me as much as I want you."

Rachel hic-cuped on a sob and raised her tear strewn face to his. "You still love me? After everything?"

"I still love you. Always and forever, although God knows I've tried not to. I think I started falling in love with you half way through our singing _Hello 12, Hello_ _13." _Jesse kissed her forehead affectionately_._ "It wasn't an emotion I was familiar with or one I knew I was even capable of, so I didn't recognize it at the time. By the time I'd finally admitted it to myself; everything had gone so incredibly wrong."

"Even when I was with Finn, a large part of me has always belonged to you; I've just been in denial about it for years." Rachel acknowledged. "But I promise from now on, you have all of me." She snuggled back into his embrace, and for several minutes she was content to just enjoy how right and perfect this felt and to listen to the comforting, steady beat of his heart. Her thoughts drifted to the words Melchior had spoken to Wendla: _I hear your heart...I feel you breathing-everywhere, _and how it described exactly how she felt about Jesse. But then her thoughts rapidly led to another realization and she suddenly sat bolt upright.

"Jesse! What are we going to do about the hayloft scene?! It was already difficult enough to do when I thought you didn't care for me, but now..."

Jesse smirked."What? Are you worried about my self-control?"

"No, I'm worried about mine."

Jesse threw back his head and roared with laughter. "Are you telling me you've had wicked designs on my body during that scene?" he finally managed to gasp out.

Rachel turned a becoming pink and nodded. "Every performance for weeks now," she confessed. Unable to restrain herself, her fingers were already slowly tracing a line down his smooth well toned chest. "That scene could become, uhmm, problematic."

A roguish grin spread across Jesse's face, and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before his fingers began to lazily trace a path along her jawline and down her throat. "Then aren't we lucky there's that twenty minute intermission between act one and two, and dressing rooms that lock." His lips and tongue began following the trail his fingers had taken and Rachel moaned loudly. "Although soundproofing could be an issue" he murmured as an afterthought. Jesse then pulled back and waggled his eyebrows suggestively at Rachel. "But in the meantime, it appears we have most of the day free before tonight's show and I'm up for any ideas you might have."

Rachel quickly crawled off his lap and stood up. As she reached down to entwine her hand with Jesse's, a provocative smile spread over her face. "Well, I believe you said something about making slow and sweet love? I'd really like a complete and lengthy demonstration of that, Mr. St. James."

Jesse allowed Rachel to tug him to his feet without resistance before enveloping her in his arms. As his lips found hers he whispered ever so softly, "As you wish."

**A/N One more chapter left to go. **


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: A big**** thank you to all who Reviewed, Favorited, Followed or kept reading. A special shout out to Etoile87, and Northstar61, for their encouragement and thoughts; also to MarieK for her inspiring me to write tipsy Rachel, (and our Les Mis conversations). **

**Chapter Fifteen**

The past few weeks had been mostly euphoric for Jesse. His girlfriend had always been a demonstrative person and he was happily reaping the benefits of her loving nature as she was intent on making up for lost time. They had rapidly discovered that more than their voices created beautiful harmony, and waking up every morning entwined with Rachel was something Jesse knew he'd never grow tired of. In addition, Jesse found that his happiness and good fortune spilled over into the rest of his life. His circle of friends had widened out and even his parents had surprised him by deeding him the apartment and re-instating his yearly allowance. He knew it was nothing more than a belated atonement for their failure to acknowledge his successful launch on Broadway, but it would certainly make financial matters easier and bridge the gap until Jesse became entitled to his inheritance from his grandparents when he turned twenty-eight.

Rachel had moved into his apartment as soon as Kurt had found a new roommate (i.e. Jeffrey), to help with Kurt's costs. Given their diva inclinations, Jesse had expected Rachel and him to have more than a few arguments, but there Rachel had surprised him. The more time they were together, the more contented and secure she grew. She was still volatile and demanding, (but he loved that) and a perfectionist about her career; but at home with him, she picked her battles more carefully. Jesse was pretty sure (he had begun to recognize that look in her eye) that at least half the arguments they did have were just an excuse to have hot makeup sex.

Now, six weeks after their reconciliation, it was Jesse who was nearing the end of his set at Joe's Pub. With his eyes full of love, he stood and watched his beautiful, talented girlfriend make her way from her table to join him on stage for their promised duet.

Rachel grabbed her mike and, once she was perched comfortably on a stool next to Jesse, shot him a big smile before turning towards the audienc_e._ "Hello everyone! It's lovely to be here again, and to sing with Jesse. We've had many people comment on how well and easily Jesse and I sing with each other. What most people don't know is that Jesse and I actually first sang together when we were teenagers. We met when I was a sophomore at McKinley High, and for a short time, he was a senior at McKinley and part of our Glee club. Then he returned to Carmel and our two show choirs competed against each other."

A murmur of surprise rippled through sections of the audience.

Jesse took up the thread of the story, smugly announcing, "That's right, my team eliminated yours at Regionals that year and took our fourth consecutive National title a few months later."

Rachel glared back in mock anger at him, before adding sweetly "and we beat your choir at Nationals two years later when I was a senior and you were Carmel's coach." The gentle smile that followed softened any possible sting her words might have had.

She turned back to the attentive crowd. "You may have guessed by now that we both have highly competitive personalities. The song you were treated to earlier tonight - Jesse's phenomenal version of Bohemian Rhapsody- was the song with which his show choir massacred our hopes at Regionals. And in keeping up the spirit of reminiscing, the song we are going to sing for you next was the second duet we ever sang together back when..." Rachel paused for moment, suddenly unsure of how to continue.

Jesse breathed heavily and dramatically into his mike; his voice deepening as he remarked with a smirk, "What Rachel is trying to avoid saying is that we first sang this together in her bedroom, and just before I taught her how to kiss."

He watched with delight the blush that suffused Rachel's face, before he solemnly added, "It was all in the pursuit of improving our acting skills, of course."

"Right, of course."

By this point they had the audience laughing and completely in the palms of their hands. There was a buzz of anticipation in the air.

"Anyway, we'd now like to sing for you that song: _Hello 12, Hello 13_. Oh, but by the way" Jesse continued in a tone of feigned severity. "I'm leaving out both the somersaults and the kissing lesson this time."

Rachel faked a pout of disappointment and Jesse's face broke into a grin before he turned and raised his hand signaling the band to begin.

x

As the last notes of "Hello 12, Hello 13" died away. Rachel raised her eyebrows in a silent question, and Jesse gave a quick nod in reply. Rachel hopped off the stool to grab some water to drink while at the same time she surreptitiously slid her hand into the pocket of her designer jeans. The audience had finally quieted by the time she returned to stand next to Jesse and pick up her mike once again.

"Jesse and I lost touch with each other after I graduated from high school, which was totally my fault. I failed to recognize he was both everything I wanted and everything I needed in my life. But thanks to serendipity, or fate, we met again when we were both cast in _Spring Awakening_. And because of the sneaky machinations from our best friends-"

"Thanks Kurt, Thanks Shandra." Jesse chimed in and he raised his water bottle in a toast towards where they were seated.

"Yes, thank you guys, we love you!" Rachel beamed a huge smile at them, "Thanks to them we finally figured things out. And so, in honor of our" Rachel removed her left hand from behind her back and flashed her engagement ring at the audience, "engagement..."

Cheers, along with numerous shouts of 'It's about time!' from their castmates and friends, erupted amidst the applause from the rest of the audience. Jesse wrapped his arm around her waist and Rachel melded herself against him; their eyes locking briefly in a gaze of mutual adoration. They were both radiating complete happiness as they once more waited for the noise to abate.

"As I started to say, in celebration of our engagement and the love and life we have found together, we'd like to close tonight with this song:"

Jesse:

I'm here, Just walking on a wire  
I'm tripping on my words  
I'm burning with desire  
'Cause now there's you  
You've given me a name  
A story with an ending  
That I would never change

And if you ever need me  
I'll be there for you  
And if you stop believing  
Just know we'll make it through  
And when you're down and broken  
Well I'll be by your side  
'Cause I know that today  
Is the first day of the rest of our lives

Rachel:

So take  
All that's left of me  
My heart into your hands  
Your hands are all I need  
And now I'm feeling high  
'Cause your love is like a drug  
You've given all you can  
But I cannot get enough

And if you ever need me  
I'll be there for you  
And if you stop believing  
Just know we'll make it through  
And when you're down and broken  
Well I'll be by your side  
'Cause I know that today  
Is the first day of the rest of our lives

Jesse & Rachel together:

And I'm giving it all  
Yah I'm giving it all to you  
There's nothing that I wouldn't do  
So I'm giving it all  
I'm giving it all to you

If you ever need me  
I'll be there for you  
Just hold on to that feeling  
There's nothing we can't do  
And when you're down and broken  
Well I'll be by your side  
Cause I know that today  
Is the first day of the rest of our lives  
Of the rest of our lives...

So take my hand  
I'll lead us on  
Through stormy seas  
And rivers strong  
In all that's dark  
Our colors bright  
So now I say  
To you goodnight...  
I say goodnight...

The End (sort of)******

(Song is Rest of Our Lives, by Alex Band)

****A/N: Although this is the end of the main story, and I've labelled it complete, there is one future snapshot nearly written in full and at least a couple of others in rough draft or in my head that I am playing with. As I write them, I will add those snapshots to this story (rather than posting them separately as I did with my Defying Gravity universe). However, they won't be posted on a weekly basis like the main story was, so you may want to add/keep the story in your follows depending on whether you liked it or not. :-)**


	16. New Beginnings Vignette 1: Wedding Plans

**A/N: As promised here is a St. Berry vignette**

**NEW beginnings Vignette 1: Wedding Plans.**

Jesse's parents had not (to put it mildly) been pleased with Jesse's choice of a fiancée. But upon realizing that he would not be swayed by outright condemnation, and that given an ultimatum, Jesse would choose life with Rachel over a relationship with them, they had seemingly resigned themselves to the upcoming Berry/St. James nuptials. Jesse's mother had even graciously offered her help and social expertise, (which Rachel had accepted) in planning the wedding.

At first, everything seemed to be going reasonably well or as well as could be expected considering his mother, Kurt and both Rachel's dads were all fully committed to "helping" Rachel plan her wedding. However, trying to appease everyone was a juggling act and Jesse had at times had to step in and negotiate between all parties. Attributing Rachel's bouts of tears to planning stress and bridal nerves, Jesse had ignored the signs that something more was amiss. But recently Jesse had noticed his mother's disturbing tendency to pepper her conversation with thinly veiled condescending remarks about Rachel's way of dressing, her social miscues, her Dads, and her choices for the planned wedding. Today, during the bi-weekly mother/son luncheon, there was no longer any doubt in Jesse's mind that his mother had been slowly trying to erode Rachel's confidence as a way to break him and Rachel up. Jesse had been so angry with her that he'd got up and left halfway through the meal. Still seething with anger at the familial betrayal, he returned home only to find his fiancée curled up on the sofa, weeping unrestrainedly.

"Rachel, baby, what's wrong?" Jesse strode swiftly over to kneel in front of his distressed fiancée and took her hands in his.

"I just got a call from the venue. They've apparently made a mmm..mistake and double booked our wedding with another event. We can't have our wedding there after all!" Rachel wailed. "Which means the invitations are all wrong, and we might not find another place in time and" Rachel choked on a new set of sobs that were building in her throat.

"Shhhh." Jesse quickly moved to sit next to Rachel, and he pulled her into his arms. "It will be okay, we'll find somewhere else, or maybe we should wait; postpone the wedding." The minute the words left his mouth, Jesse knew he'd said the wrong thing; or rather he'd said it at the wrong time and the wrong way, and now Rachel was looking at him aghast, her face white with shock.

"You're having second thoughts about marrying me? I knew it! You don't really want to marry me!"

"No! That's not what I meant." Jesse ran a hand through his curls in frustration. "I just mean that since the wedding planning has become a huge issue and my mother -"

"You've decided your mother is right; that I'm not good enough for you and the St. James name." Rachel's voice had now set a new speed record in reaching the state of hysteria. "You don't love me enough to want to marry me. Why did we even get engaged if you don't want to make it legal!" At that she yanked her engagement ring off her finger and flung it at Jesse before running to their bedroom and slamming the door behind her.

Jesse grasped his head with both hands and groaned in frustration; it was far worse than he'd thought. His mother must have been slyly dripping poison into Rachel's ears for some time now and had successfully reawakened all of Rachel's past insecurities about her looks and her social skills. Despondently he retrieved the ring and slipped it into the pocket of his shirt as he considered how best he could fix things. Letting Rachel cry was sometimes the wisest option, Jesse had found. When she was so wound up, she could be impossible to reason with, so he remained where he was and tried to figure out what to say and do. Finally, after some fifteen minutes had passed, he got up and went to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, Jesse quietly opened the bedroom door and peeked in on Rachel. She had stopped the hysterical crying and was now lying exhausted in the middle of their bed, just staring blankly up at the ceiling of stars. Jesse padded over and placed the tall glass of water on her night table, and then he perched beside her on the bed; his fiancee meanwhile was steadfastly refusing to even acknowledge his presence.

"Rachel, please listen to me. You are the only one that I have ever truly loved. The only woman I want to be with forever. The only woman I'd be happy to share my last name with. I would marry you today or tomorrow or any day of your choosing. I would marry you in a synagogue, a cathedral, on a beach, on a mountaintop, in the jungle, in an igloo, or wherever it made you happy."

Rachel had finally turned her tear stained face towards him and she carefully evaluated his words before plaintively asking. "Then why did you suggest that we call off the wedding?"

"I said postpone it, not call it off, and it was because I want our wedding day to be a happy event; a memory that we, but especially that you, treasure forever." Jesse reached over and took her hand in his. "But instead of being happy you are so obviously stressed and miserable in planning it. Ever since my mother and your Dads got involved it's become some kind of competition, with each one trying to top the other. Aside from that, today I made the unwelcome and hurtful discovery that my dear mother has all along been trying to undermine your confidence and sabotage our relationship. In fact, it would not surprise me if she was the one behind the double booking fiasco. In any case, I don't want her involved anymore and I don't want her or my father at the wedding."

Rachel sat up and turned to stare wide-eyed at Jesse. "Really?"

"Really. My parents have never given me love. They gave me things, and they liked to boast about my accomplishments, even though they rarely witnessed any of them personally. I don't need them in my life, I just need you. I choose you. I will always choose you. I love -"

But Jesse didn't get to finish his impassioned declaration because Rachel had launched herself at him, and her lips were currently smothering his remaining words. Jesse sighed into her mouth with relief before giving himself up completely to the magic they always created.

Finally the necessity to properly breath forced their lips apart. As they lay facing each other catching their breath, Rachel pressed her forehead against Jesse's for a moment and then murmured "I've got an idea."

Smirking salaciously, Jesse asked, "What kind of 'idea', Ms. Berry?"

His fiancee rolled her eyes at him and lightly slapped away his wandering hand. "No, not that. I meant an idea about the wedding." Rachel's eyes took on a fevered gleam of excitement, her mind racing with newly formulating plans. "We'll explain to everyone that we've had to postpone the wedding due to venue issues - and tell them that the new date will be announced at a later time. Since we've already got the honeymoon trip to Puerto Rico booked, we'll then invite our best friends and my Dads along as a reward for their hard work. Meanwhile we can swear Kurt to secrecy and have him help plan a surprise wedding in Puerto Rico. That way we can have a quiet, meaningful ceremony in a beautiful location with just the people who matter the most to us in attendance."

"I think that's a brilliant idea, but are you absolutely certain that is what you want?"

"Yes, I'm sure." Rachel kissed his cheek in reassurance. "I know I said I always dreamed of having the big fancy wedding, but the reality is that planning one is just a major headache. It's impossible to please everyone. I'm turning into a bridezilla and I'd likely end up with an ulcer by the time we got to our wedding day. Besides, a wedding in a tropical paradise is much more romantic, and you did promise me epic romance, Jesse."

"I did, didn't I? We could even make it a romantic tradition to return there each year for our anniversary."

Rachel sighed happily. "Oh yes! I do love the way you think, Mr. St. James. And now that we've got that all settled..." She smiled at Jesse flirtatiously. "We can consider that other idea you were having a few minutes ago."

Jesse feigned puzzlement. "I don't know what idea you're talking about."

"The one where you were considering doing this." Rachel pulled apart the snaps of her blouse, revealing her pert breasts to her fiance's appreciative gaze. It would horrify her future mother-in-law to know that Rachel often went bra-less at home, but Rachel had never received any complaints from Jesse and by the look in his eyes she certainly wasn't getting any now. "And having me do this…" Her hands reached down and she made short work of the snap and zipper of his khaki pants. She smirked again as she pictured how appalled Jesse's mother must be about her son's recent penchant for going commando.

"Oh, **that** idea." Jesse grinned. "The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me, I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now." His voice sang softly into her ear before he recaptured her lips in a searing kiss of epic proportions; their love and passion wiping away the last vestiges of anger and hurt.


	17. Vignette no 2

**A/N** _ I apologize for my lack of St. Berry stories recently. My creative muse has been uncooperative lately. Anyway, here's a little St. Berry fluffiness for you. _

New Beginnings: Vignette 2

As Jesse unlocked the door and entered the apartment, wonderful aromas assailed his nostrils and his mouth immediately began to water. Rachel had evidently decided to make his favorite dinner tonight. He paused briefly at the doorway and quickly checked his memory for the possibility that he had forgotten some special occasion, but he drew a blank. As far as he knew, there was nothing special about the day and certainly his calendar app was programmed to remind him of every important event in their lives (in the unlikely case his prodigious memory failed him.)

Rachel was just putting a pot in the sink to soak as Jesse wandered over and bent his head to trail some kisses down the back of her neck. His arms slid around to encompass her waist and he murmured in her ear: "Hmmm. Smells delicious! What's the occasion?"

Rachel turned and kissed him with satisfying thoroughness before replying. "I don't need a special occasion to cook for my handsome husband."

"Well, I'm definitely not complaining. Did you have a good visit with Kurt and Jeffrey?"

"Oh yes! It was the best. I got to meet their puppy Rufus, and he is just the cutest thing ever." Rachel gushed. "We spent a couple hours at the park playing with him."

The rest of their evening meal was taken up with Rachel's recital of the exploits of Kurt, Jeffrey and Rufus and their picnic in the park, but especially Rufus. So it came as no surprise to Jesse as they relaxed together on the sofa after supper, that Rachel broached a certain topic.

"Jesse."

"Hmmm?" Jesse looked with fond amusement at his wife who was contentedly nestled in his arms; her eyes were especially wide and softly pleading.

"Could we get a puppy?"

"You want a puppy?"

Rachel sat up quickly and nodded. "We've got plenty of room for one and he wouldn't have to be a big dog."

"Rachel, love of my life, in case it has escaped your notice, we live in an apartment twenty-five floors up with no garden or space for a dog to run around in, and the closest dog park some distance away. Dogs, especially energetic puppies need to be exercised and walked every day."

Jesse saw the disappointment rise in Rachel's eyes and he hated deflating her enthusiasm and hopes, but one of them had to be realistic. It wouldn't be fair to own a dog and not spend enough time with it. "What happens when we are both at work all day? Who is going to keep the puppy company? Who is going to take it for walks? Do you want to come home and immediately have to deal with surprise messes?"

"Messes?"

Jesse grinned. "Yes, messes. You've never had a puppy have you?"

"No." Rachel admitted.

"Well, puppies tend to have accidents. It takes them awhile to be toilet trained and some fully grown ones still have accidents when they get overly excited. My uncle always had dogs and I remember the accidents, not to mention the chewing issues."

"Chewing issues?"

"Uh huh. Buddy chewed through my favorite leather boots amongst several other things." Jesse scowled for a moment; he was still a tiny bit upset about the boots - they'd been particular favorites of his. Granted, the dog had been a good listener and companion when things fell apart with Rachel in high school, so he had forgiven Buddy, but nonetheless, those boots had been Italian leather and a perfect fit.

However, he could understand the appeal of owning a dog, so Jesse stroked her arm in a consoling manner as he continued to speak. "It's not that I hate dogs or I'm trying to deprive you of something, but it would not be in a dog's best interest to have us as its owners at this stage in our lives. You can always get your dog fix by visiting Rufus, and when the time, and our situation is right, we can see about getting a dog."

Rachel nodded dutifully in agreement, but her brain was already running at warp speed as she thought up ways she could bring Jesse around to her point of view. True, his words about the chewing and the messes were a little off-putting but she just hadn't had time to do much research when she'd returned from the park, so Jesse might be exaggerating. In any case, it was clearly evident that lists wouldn't be enough to convince Jesse; she'd need to do a well organized Powerpoint presentation for this one. If she could provide irrefutable reasons as to why they should have a dog now, well surely Jesse would see it her way.

Meanwhile, her husband was viewing Rachel's meek agreement with a large measure of suspicion. Jesse knew his wife all too well; it wasn't like her to give up without an impassioned plea or arguments. Although he was guilty of spoiling Rachel frequently, he did not give into her every whim and he was determined not to give in on this one. So although he was quite interested to see what tactic she next tried, it would save them all both time and tears if she accepted the fact that this time he would not be swayed. Jesse smirked inwardly as an idea suddenly sprang into his mind. Now, if he could manage to implement his own strategy and derail hers...

A few days later, on his way to morning rehearsals, Jesse received a brief text from Kurt. The message simply read: _Operation puppy sitter is a go. _It was followed almost immediately by a text from Rachel stating that she had to emergency dog sit Rufus and would not be home until later that evening so Jesse would have to fix his own dinner. Jesse smiled as her texted back _"Okay, I'll see you later, have fun with R."_

XXX

It was a very tired and frazzled Rachel who walked into the apartment much later that evening. Jesse looked up from his script, and hiding a smile, asked in a deceptively innocent tone, "Did you have a nice time with Rufus?"

Rachel collapsed onto the couch beside Jesse, and grabbing his half empty glass of red wine, took a big gulp before she replied. "It was exhausting! All he wanted to do was play! I think I wore out my arm tossing doggie toys for him to fetch. And I wasn't in the apartment more than five minutes before he took off with one of my shoes. I just barely managed to pry it from his teeth in time. It was disgustingly slimy though, so I had to disinfect it. While I was doing that I didn't notice he'd followed me into the bathroom and had begun unraveling the toilet paper! I don't even want to discuss the accidents I had to wipe up, or when I nearly lost him in the park." Rachel rested her head tiredly on Jesse's shoulder. "I had no idea that puppies were so energetic and so much work!"

Jesse maneuvered her into a better angle so that he could massage her tired shoulders and tight neck muscles. "So, I take it that your urge to have a puppy has diminished somewhat?"

Rachel sighed with pleasure as Jesse's fingers worked their usual magic. "Uh-huh. No puppies. No dogs!" In fact the first thing she was going to do when she had regained her strength was to delete that PowerPoint presentation she'd been working on to convince Jesse that they should get a puppy. She obviously was not a dog person after all.

"I think being godmother to Rufus will be enough. I guess I'm not meant to be a pet owner."

"Oh!." Jesse ran one hand distractedly through his curls as he thought worriedly about the surprise he currently had stashed in their bedroom. "Maybe, it's just a matter of a dog not being the right pet for us?" he added hopefully.

"No." Rachel's voice was firm. "You are right. A pet would be too lonely if we are both out. It wouldn't be fair. We don't need a pet, we have each other." She snuggled contentedly back into her husband's arms, but after a few moments she sat up and turned towards him. "Jesse, what's wrong? You've gone all tense and quiet."

"I just thought maybe..." Jesse's voice trailed off and he stood up; taking her hand in his, he led her towards their bedroom. "I thought I'd surprise you with a pet that was a bit more apartment suitable, but if you really think you don't need or want a pet, I can try to return them."

"THEM?!" Rachel squeaked in dismay. But then her eyes saw them. Curled up together in a basket on the bed were two small fluffy balls of fur, and her heart promptly melted. "Kittens! Jesse, you got two kittens!"

"Yes, well I thought that they could keep each other company when we weren't here. Besides cats sleep a lot, and they are quite independent creatures so they won't mind too much if we're gone for most of the day, and of course cats are fastidiously clean animals." But Jesse had no need to continue his sales pitch as his wife was already kneeling on the bed enthralled with the new additions to the family. She reached out a hand and gently began to stroke the sleeping kittens.

"They're adorable and so soft! Do they have names?"

"Not yet, I thought we could choose them together. That is, if we keep them."

Rachel looked at Jesse aghast. "Of course we're keeping them!" Already her heart was lost to the two kittens who had begun to stir under her gentle caress. The calico kitten yawned and rolled over on its back and stretched.

"The orange and white one is a male and the calico is his sister." Jesse sat down on the bed beside Rachel and began scratching behind the calico's ears. The male kitten promptly got up and butted his head against Jesse's hand, vying for his attention, and Jesse chuckled. "This one doesn't like to be left out of the limelight. We shall have to think of something suitably theatrical for their names." He looked up and smiled at Rachel. "We'll make a list."


	18. An unplanned event

**A/N Another slice of St. Berry life in the New Beginnings universe.**

Rachel gnawed nervously on her bottom lip then took another big gulp of her glass of water. Of all nights to be late, why did Jesse have to choose this one? If he didn't come home soon the announcement would be put off, and the longer she put it off, the harder it would be to tell him. Maybe she shouldn't tell him? Maybe she should just let the evidence speak for itself as it certainly would in another couple of months? Quickly she dismissed that idea. It wouldn't be fair or right. Besides, Jesse loved her, he'd be happy about the news, wouldn't he? She was almost certain that Jesse would take it in stride.

She began pacing nervously around the room, while every so often shooting an uneasy glance at the irrefutable proof she had carefully bagged and laid out neatly in a systematic line on their coffee table. Maybe she should place a glass of scotch next to it? She was half way to the liquor cabinet when she heard Jesse's key in the lock and she froze on the spot, unsure of what to do.

"Rachel baby, I'm sorry I'm late. Our director wanted to have a few words with us after the show. The word is official; we are moving the show to Broadway in a couple of months!" Jesse was pumped up with adrenaline and he strode over to Rachel, swung her up into his arms and began to twirl her around.

"Jesse, no! Please stop!" A sudden bout of nausea hit Rachel as the world spun around her. "Jesse, I mean it. Stop, right now!"

Her husband stopped abruptly and immediately set her down; his gaze fixed upon her perplexedly. Something must be wrong, Rachel always loved being twirled. He had just enough time to notice that her face looked a peculiar greenish shade before she threw up all over him.

Rachel stood in shock for a second. She could not believe what had just occurred. "Omg! Jesse I'm so sorry."

"No worries. I'm sorry too. I didn't realize you weren't feeling well." Jesse quickly removed his shirt, which had taken the brunt of the incident, and wrapped it up before taking it over to the kitchen sink and dumping it there. "It used to happen a lot in Vocal Adrenaline, especially when Dakota Stanley drilled us past the point of exhaustion." He had grabbed some paper towel and a damp dishcloth and was busy cleaning up the rest of the debris from his chest as he spoke.

Rachel felt another wave of nausea hit and dashed into the bathroom, making it just in time. Finally as her stomach settled she made her way back to the living room with a cloth and towel to clean up anything that had missed landing on Jesse and had hit the hardwood floor. But she was too late, Jesse was already attending to it, or rather he had been attending to it. Currently he was standing transfixed on the spot, his gaze locked on the row of small plastic bags lined up on the coffee table. Rachel had been nothing if not thorough; she had taken every possible type of home pregnancy test available, and every single one of them had turned out positive.

"You're pregnant." Jesse stated, his voice flat and strangely void of all emotion. Then he ran his fingers through his hair and stared at her almost accusingly. "How did this happen?"

"How did this happen? How.. did.. this.. happen? " Rachel repeated each word slowly, her voice edged with disbelief. "I'm certain you have had adequate sex education, Jesse, so I presume what you really mean is: did I forget to take my birth control pill? Or maybe you mean: did I decide to stop taking birth control without my telling you. If you for a moment think that I would ever pull a stunt like that." Rachel walked over to the wing chair and wearily sat down. "In case you didn't know, the only 100% successful method of birth control is abstinence and somehow I doubt you'd be very enthusiastic about that method. This came as a complete shock to me too, you know. I always thought we'd have children but that it would be five to ten years from now; but it appears having children was not something in either your short or long-term plans. Clearly it's something we should have discussed before we got married but stupidly failed to do."

"I." Jesse stopped for a moment. He couldn't think straight right now. All he could feel was an overwhelming sense of panic. "I need some time, Rachel. I need some air, I'm going for a walk." He knew it was cowardly but he simply couldn't have this conversation right now. He'd already said too much and it would only get worse if he stayed. He snatched a hoodie from the coat rack and pulled it over his bare torso while making a rapid exit.

Rachel stared at the door for a long time after Jesse had left, feeling sick in both her stomach and her heart. She was certain her heart hadn't ached this much in a very, very long time. Finally she grabbed her favorite blanket and curled up into a little ball on the couch while she tried to make sense of Jesse's reaction. Did he really not want to have children? If not, why not? It wasn't like it was his career that was going to suffer for awhile, so that couldn't be the problem. Neither was it a financial issue, they'd both done well for work and then Jesse's inheritance had been settled on him at the beginning of the year, so they were in a very good position financially.

Although an initial feeling of shock and dismay had hit her when first she'd discovered she was pregnant, it had rapidly turned into overwhelming joy when she realized that they had created a life; a life borne out of their deep love for each other, but now that joy was dimmed. Rachel placed a comforting hand on her still flat stomach; she already loved this baby so much, it would be someone that would be unique and theirs to nurture and love, why wouldn't Jesse… She paused for a moment and tried to recall Jesse's reaction more clearly. Jesse had been angry? Resentful? No, that wasn't quite it. He'd been shocked, dismayed but something else, what was it? Scared! Jesse had been scared, even panicked. It wasn't an emotion she was used to seeing on his face, and so it had taken her awhile to recognize it.

Rachel got up and meandered to the kitchen to make herself a cup of soothing herbal tea, while she let her mind consider this epiphany. The question was: why was Jesse panicked? It could be that he was afraid of the responsibility, but that didn't fit the Jesse she knew. No, it was more likely something involving his own childhood or upbringing. She had wonderful, supportive, loving parents, but Jesse? Jesse had never had that. Whatever was troubling him, they needed to discuss it. Rachel took her tea back to the couch and once more curled up in her blanket, resolving that she would wait for her husband's return, no matter how long it took.

It was several hours later when Jesse finally returned. During the hours he'd been away the only conclusion he'd reached was 1) that he was a lousy husband, 2) he'd make a terrible father and that 3) Rachel must have realized both those things the minute he had walked out the door. He was pretty certain that during his absence he'd been banned from their bedroom, possibly even the apartment, and deservedly so.

Slipping off his shoes, he quietly unlocked the apartment door and stepped inside. Expecting the apartment to be in darkness he was disconcerted to discover the lights were still on and Rachel asleep on the couch. Jesse placed his shoes neatly in their spot and slowly approached the couch to somberly regard his sleeping wife. She was no longer just his wife, she was carrying their child; an idea he still found difficult to comprehend. As if sensing his gaze upon her, Rachel stirred and her eyelids fluttered open.

"Jesse?" she murmured sleepily.

"I'm here, Rach." Jesse dropped down on the floor and resting his head against the side of the couch, he quietly awaited her words of condemnation. It came as a shock when no such words appeared. Instead Rachel reached out and ran her hand through his curls in a soothing manner before moving off the couch to sit beside him on the floor.

"Jesse, I know your parents didn't give you a happy home to grow up in and you are probably scared that you will be just like them; you're afraid you'll be a terrible father. But, if anything it will make you a better parent, because you know all the things they did wrong and you'll be determined not to make the same mistakes. I love you and I know you, Jess. You are nothing like your parents!"

With tears in his eyes, Jesse pulled Rachel into his arms and kissed her with a fierce desperation. Finally he pulled away and whispered "I am scared. I'm scared of being a failure as a father and of losing your love because of it."

Rachel leaned her head against Jesse's shoulder and entwined one hand with his. "I'm scared too, you know. I never had a mother, and although my Dads were wonderful parents, they are men. There are so many things they can't help me with, and Shelby and I will never have a normal mother/daughter relationship either. So we are going to make mistakes, but as long as we love each other we can figure it out together."

The fear wasn't completely gone but it had been subdued and forced back in a tiny corner by her words. Now there was a strange new feeling unfurling in his heart and growing by the minute; it was one of wonder and anticipation. Jesse reached out and tentatively placed his other hand upon Rachel's stomach. They were going to have a baby. "Yes, we'll do it together" he vowed.


End file.
